Hello.

You know why I am back here, don't you. 

It's silly, because I am not really in the mood for chatting or sharing, but it is exactly because of that, I came here. This still feels like a quiet corner for me to talk to myself - used to be with the company of a few old friends, although I am wishing that no one stops by anymore, so it is truly a quiet corner.

It should be so quiet it gets uncomfortable... not unlike how quiet it was at a wake/memorial service during work hours.

I felt like adding LOL after the previous sentence, but it felt inappropriate.

That's how I feel most of the time these days by the way, inappropriate - the thought that I seem to be functioning like a normal person feels inappropriate. Telling everyone I'm fine felt a little bit like a lie, telling them I'm devastated seem inconsistent with how I can still make jokes, telling them it sucks seem to be an understatement, telling them I'm heartbroken seem.... too real, telling them it's all of the above and it's random will only make sense to few. If I were to be true to myself, it feels ridiculous, the sad kind. Ridiculously sad, I guess.

By way of example, these days I often imagine how it would feel to stab myself in the chest with a fork or a letter opener, because I wonder if then the physical pain will match the emotional.

Then I mentally laughed at myself that at least it is just a thought at this point.. then I mentally said who knows for how much longer.. and then I mentally told myself I am being ridiculous. Yes, that kind of ridiculous.  

HS would said.. that's called grief, you idiot. It is good to have smart friends. 

It is one of those things, before you experienced it, you can't even imagine. If you have, you know something in you is forever shifted. It is a kind of ache that lives in you and breaths with you. There is now a distinct time point in your life, where you can clearly separate it to "before" and "after"...  

Not unlike any other trauma I guess. I have recently met people who live with intense headache everyday after concussion. They told me their lives are divided into 2 stages, before and after concussion, because everything is different from that point onward, and pain/headache, is their new normal.

So, this is my new normal. You have no idea how much I wish it isn't.