Urgently need beer. Please deliver. I wish I have someone to text that to. That's all I wanted to say.

Things have been happening. You and I both know it, you probably know more than me, so there's nothing I can add to it... other than the fact that the video with the collage of M'sians all over the world is relatively heart warming. Someone once told me persistency beats resistance every time. It was the same person who told me not applying to be a canadian is really rather ilogical and whatever hang-ups I have is purely romantized nationalism. I can't say I agree with that statement... but let's hope that things will change for the better if the people persist. A few things to get out of the way. The next day after I posted my previous post, a bunch of people on the floor who work for the canadian research council were laid off - the whole unit is gone so everyone lost their jobs. Freaky timing. Extensive drinking ensued. Second, I had been eyeing a watch for a while and mentioned such obsession with someone... later, I was hinted at the possibility of receiving it as a gift. You know... if I had to guess, I would have thought that something like that would make me feel.. flattered. Instead, the contemplation ended urgently and I bought it online right away. Some people are built for that, or will be ok at that whole gift thing. I am, perhaps sadly so, not one of those. (WHY???!!!) I admit it is a fundamental character flaw... or rather, a conflicting characteristic, because I am also quite cheap. While we are at it, this conversation took place a while back between me and the austrian visiting surgeon (aka my new drinking buddy): AVS: You need help? Me: *carrying a stack of tools/stuff with both hands* Nope, I'm good, it's not heavy. AVS: Are you sure? I can carry some. *Reaching for some things on top* Me: No! Don't touch it, do not disturb the equilibrium, things will fall down. Just get the door. AVS: *laughs* Only from an engineer... Me: Huh? AVS: If it were most girls, they would have said, "Of course, why didn't you ask earlier?", only an engineer will say, "do not disturb the equilibrium"... Hmm. I didn't start this post to tell you I have issues.. but sometimes the post takes on it's own direction. I thought about defending myself, but that was before I realize I still have a chopstick in my mouth, the one that I have been using to dig nuttella of the bottle as midnight snack while typing this and listening to the news on tv. I probably wouldn't have been very convincing in telling you I am not, somehow, weird... and not in a cool way, but in a clumsy silly way. Fortunately I am usually ok with that, in fact I find it amusing. Unfortunately some might find it embarrassing. Well, sometimes there is nothing you can do and some people just have to go fly a kite...

I sometimes think that when you get old enough, your body start giving out little tell tale signs about you. For example, cauliflower ears owners usually wrestle. I realize today that my calves tell a story of someone who doesn't own a car, for years. Tragic, I know. Miniskirts will have to wait till next life.

Anyway. That wasn't what I was going to say, I just happen to looked at my calves before I started to type.

I was going to say, I wonder if having a job is like what people tell me about being in a relationship. Those who are in it want out, those who are out, desperately want in. When I was desperately looking for a job and couldn't find one, there was this inherent fear that maybe I wasn't good enough for any job, even though I knew deep down that was a silly thought. I am obviously awesome, my mom wouldn't just tell me that because I begged her to. Plus, me being good enough has nothing to do with whether I can secure a job, plenty of people are not good at their jobs, evident by the fact that they didn't recognize my awesomeness.

Yes, it was demoralizing enough that I would tell myself anything. I even thought about going on blind dates to train for interviews. When a friend found a job 2 weeks within graduation I told people I wanted to grind my gall bladder and down it with tequila. They thought it was funny. Well, frienship means never having to explain the true misery behind every joke.

Now it's been... 7 months into this job. I don't even really hate it, but I have started thinking about what I would do if I were to suddenly lose the job. I probably won't be too upset. I will have a few months off to go home, finally pay my spanish buddy a visit, visit HS in Chile... I am likely broke before I made it to Chile, but day dreaming doesn't have to be that realistic. I wonder if there is another job out there that is more exciting, because this doesn't quite feel like "the one" (maybe, there is no such thing as "the one"). As long as it is bearable though, I won't leave... until I find a better one, because not having any job at all is just kinda scary. I already don't have a car. I want to at least be able to buy my own toilet paper.

Maybe... it is the same kind of scary my friends tell me about being alone/not having someone, the same kind of insecurity if one believes that not having a partner must means no one wants him/having a partner musts mean one is at least worthy of something, same kind of skeptism that maybe the grass is greener some where else... maybe almost anywhere else.. or maybe grass is not what you want at all.

In that case it makes a lot of sense why one would do anything just not to be alone... and at the mean time checking out as much grass as possible. Not saying I think it's right, just that I can sort of understand why one would do that. Fear is a powerful thing.

Someone from work has been very nice to me. So nice it is worrying. To a point I believe I should really say something to address the issue, because playing dumb simply does not cut it anymore. In fact, it seem to be silently encouraging it... sort of like domestic violence, if you suspect it is happening, you should say something.

I told my friends from Edmonton about it. Well, one of them. Two in total, but one of them to is in Spain. Anyway. One made fun of me then ask why not. The other was driving when I told him that. He absent mindedly asked why not, and a second later clued in to what I was saying, smirked and repeated the question. "Because I like him as a friend", I said, "And I know what you are thinking." Obviously there could only be one reason - I am gay. Everyone one is, in his world. The joke is, in a way, on him, because I am quite sure that at least one out of the 12 people on that skip trip suspected that I am in love with my gay buddy. It probably did not help that there were 3 beds in our room, and instead of sharing beds with the other 2 ladies, I shared a bed with him.

Why??! If my dad knew about this he would probably be screaming that, so none of you will tell him this. To quote my brother, over the years I have became "too rational and insensitive". It was for a very practical reason, in fact. Of the 3 beds in the room, one bed was in a seperate bedroom, the other two were in the "common area" of the room. Since he was the only guy, the driver, and a really light sleeper with mild case of OCD, he scored the seperate bedroom. Of my years of sharing beds/rooms with people on trips, I have learned one thing - DO NOT assume girls don't snore, not even the skinny ones. Especially, the skinny ones. I have never shared rooms with the other 2 ladies, so I can't be sure of their sleep ethics - it was my getaway ski weekend, I wasn't going to risk being sleep deprived and cranky. Plus, I was already sleep deprived from the work week. In this world where we have little control, I know one thing for sure: D and I both don't snore, and I sleep like a log. So, bottom line, despite how it sounds, we sleep well together. And he is gay. I know that wouldn't mean much to my dad, "He is still a guy," he would say. There is just no win.

Anyway, that is a very wide tangent from my original issue: this new friend of mine who is very nice to me. It's hard to say something if he doesn't say anything. I will have to figure this out, somehow. Usually when in doubt, I procastinate... I know, domestic violence, can't do that, got it. I will figure it out.

I skipped work and went back to Edmonton last weekend so I can join the guys for the ski trip. Three hours of bus ride back to the city, then another 4 hours of car ride to the mountains.

When I decided to go back I thought, man, these guys better know how much I love them.

But it was so nice to see them. There was still an adequate amount of comfort and familiarity. I missed D at the lab but I knew exactly where he parked his car at work, so I walked over to the parking lot to meet the rest of the gang. On the way I saw B, who immediately offered me to take a few sips of 1800. When all 5 of us we were loaded up in D's car, we probably spent the first 20 minutes of the car ride catching up, and then we were chating/not chating like we always did.

I was too tired to be drunk during the trip. But watching the youngsters getting crazy was entertainment in itself.

The drive home from the mountains on Sunday was long. Road conditions were poor, it was snowing hard and we had minimal visibility. The roads were icy and slippery. 6 hours later we got back to D's and I crashed on his couch. We mentioned how we didn't really talk much during the trip. He showed me how to appropriately use his shower... and for whatever reason, was surprised that I have never showered at his place all these years.

I took the bus back on Monday morning. I fell asleep immediately, but the bus broke down midway - coolant leakage, the engine would not start. Somehow feeling unsettled by being in a bus sitting on the road side, I stayed awake during that one hour and thought about the trip. When I saw B upon arrival to Edmonton, he had told me their car planned to stop by a strip club on the way to the mountains. I jokingly protested. He explained that I could have joined the "party car" but D had already decided I would ride with him. When D dropped me at the bus station he said he should peobably visit sometime. I said he should (although I know he wouldn't).

I remembered immediately after undergrad (first year or so), a friend would insist on picking me up from airport whenever I visited her city, despite the fact that she would have to drive an hour to get there. A few years later, I would travel to the city, commute to her neighbourhood for coffee, and she would cancel last minute via sms without any reason. The next year I emailed her ahead of time to ask if she would have time to meet up, and this time I would receive no reply.

I think the moral of the story is that it just takes time. Eventually it would be too much hassle for me to commute 3 hours back to the city only to join these guys, while there is another ski resort in the mountains 1 hour away from where I live. Eventually it would be too much hassle for them to invite me, or to coordinate with me. Eventually it just wouldn't make sense because it just isn't worth the trouble. It is just a matter of time before we willingly, or unwillingly, fade away. Because like it or not, more than one needs to decide any effort is worthwhile.

So it wasn't like I didn't know how it would be eventually. It still doesn't change the fact that it made me smile to receive a text from D this past weekend, when they were all at a party. The first year away might be the hardest, but now I know how to appreciate these little things, which is potentially the last of the best moments we would share.

I put down the phone and realized how much I have missed you. So much so it was slightly startling. Then I reminded myself that it took years.

I called to ask about something but we started just talking about what happened this week at work, respectively. When we finally got to my question, you sheepishly said you don't remember, "You know my memory...", you said. I chuckled and said I know. The implied familiarity felt... too nice.

Like everything else in life, I am sure, this too shall pass. For someone like me who likes to hang on to things despite knowing nothing ever really lasts... will always feel dissapointed when it all changes. Somehow the realization makes these moments a little more precious - it's only a matter of time before we eventually fade out of each other's lives, cherish the good moments while it lasts.

It has been cold. Like -30 cold. Colder with willchill, -40 maybe? Can't tell really at that point, you just want to cover as much of your face with your scarf, and try to keep your eyes open because the condensation from breathing into a scarf is making ice crystals on your eye lashes. Your focus has to be on anything but the cold.

As long as I keep moving my toes will be fine in my runners. No more than 15 minutes, of course.

Standing is difficult. I easily spend a whole day at work standing these days. It is so much more difficult than walking! I finally understand why it was used as a form of punishment in school. I swear I will marry the first foot massage therapist I run into at the end of the day. I might even sacrife my happy ever after with a chef... maybe not... I wonder if this is why some men dream of multiple wives.

Going home, going home. I don't get to go home this year for our new year... some of you know how that feels. It is not unlike walking in -30 weather, you focus on everything else but that tug you feel.