It has been cold. Like -30 cold. Colder with willchill, -40 maybe? Can't tell really at that point, you just want to cover as much of your face with your scarf, and try to keep your eyes open because the condensation from breathing into a scarf is making ice crystals on your eye lashes. Your focus has to be on anything but the cold.

As long as I keep moving my toes will be fine in my runners. No more than 15 minutes, of course.

Standing is difficult. I easily spend a whole day at work standing these days. It is so much more difficult than walking! I finally understand why it was used as a form of punishment in school. I swear I will marry the first foot massage therapist I run into at the end of the day. I might even sacrife my happy ever after with a chef... maybe not... I wonder if this is why some men dream of multiple wives.

Going home, going home. I don't get to go home this year for our new year... some of you know how that feels. It is not unlike walking in -30 weather, you focus on everything else but that tug you feel.

Umm... this is kinda embarassing. I don't really know how to explain it without sounding weird. It is sort of like dancing drunk and then thinking about it the next day. Sometimes instead of dancing... I write... and when you look at it the next day you thought, what the hell is this. Sort of like that.

Mostly it was embarassing because it wasn't true. I probably won't be bothered with the explaination if it wasn't for its context. Those in the know might have thought it was real. In reality it was just one of those lame attempts to imagine emotions that could come from a real event type thing. It wasn't meant to be saved nor published, I was just.. typing. I wasn't even mad. Like how ppl mindlessly scribble when they are on phone call that never ends? Like that.

That's all I can say. I hope that clear things up. Also, don't worry,I don't have a drinking problem. If you do suspect so from reading these, it is because I tend to stay up and drink water before I go to bed, if I've been out having drinks. And I tend to write during those times... you see where this is going? I know you do. So we are cool? Yes? I hope so.

My tap is dripping. My Ikea clock is too loud. It almost sounded like the two of them are having a private party of their own and I was not invited. I could go into my room and ignore them, but instead I am sitting here thinking about you.

I don't miss you, not really, not what you are now, at least. I miss how you used to be when I didn't know what I was feeling. When I didn't know why I had to see you all the time. Or why we would exchange smiles through the rear view mirror when no one else was watching. I get along with most of my friends, I get playful, I didn't think it was any different with you. Now I know the difference being I don't sit around thinking about my other friends.

The worst wasn't that I felt so much for you for so long, nor that I never told you. The worst was that I felt so much for you but never knew what it was until you became someone I can no longer adore. I had to be out of it to realize that I was in it in the first place. I remember being startled at the realization. It was almost like waking up in the middle of a very good dream, the moment you appreciate it was the moment it was over.

I was indifferent in seeing you again tonight. There was nothing really to be excited about, it's been long enough that everything about you felt unfamiliar except for your name. But for the split of a second, while sitting at the table with everyone else, when you turned around and smiled at me, I was nostalgic. We used to do that too, when we were seated apart and couldn't talk to each other. Looking back it was blatantly obvious, and the thought made me chuckle - could I have been really so clueless? You looked at me curiously before turning away. Perhaps back in that time frame it would have been something, it was quite cute after all. But I am perfectly alright with it all just being a thought now.

I woke up today and somehow decided on two things: 1) I will listen to 988 online and 2) I will order pizza for dinner.

The DJ was playing the oldest songs, 1/2 them I think were from my elementary/high school years. To be honest it always reminded of those years when I listen to radio from back home. One of those things. The DJ was saying how great it was to be sharing the first morning of the new year with her listeners when I turned it off - it's still new year's eve here, she was killing this end-of-the-year-by-myself mood with too much new year enthusiasm.

It seemed mandatory to look back at the year today. Although the first thing that came to mind was actually to pay rent - you can't really excuse forgetting that when everywhere is screaming "New Year Tomorrow!" I had 1/2 anticipated to fill my glass with this great combination of grapefruit and my favourite drink at this moment, instead it was filled with Pu Er, which feels just as fitting, especially since I finally bought a kettle yesterday.

Anyway, what did I do? 2011 felt so uneventful at first thought... but I actually found a job... it wasn't without exciting/agonizing moments. The year started with me talking to a company which thought they might have a position for me in HK. Then it didn't happen. I went to visit their HK branch anyways. I was home twice this year. In between those trips I stayed up many nights for various reasons. Thankfully I am blessed with the best friends a person can have, far and close, who help made those days manageable. I am not sure how anyone else cope, but I am definitely only as good as these wonderful people would let me be.

I finally found a job, left the city I lived in for the past 10 years and the lab I worked in for the past 7 years. It was long overdue, but when the moment came, it wasn't any less emotional. Had one of the best/rowdiest ski trips this year with my favourite weirdos. Had some great go-away parties and one of the most memorable moving experiences ever. Had a terrible fight with my brother which resulted in an awesome trip to Cambodia with a great friend from Spain.

I can't say it's been the best year, there were things that I wished didn't happen... but even in those cases I am grateful that it wasn't any worse. It was definitely a year with quite some changes, some that implied another phase of figuring who I am and what I want and all those good stuff. I guess it is all part of this thing about life, there are always things to be figured out. Hopefully I get some of that done next year. As for the rest.. I will do my best, and hopefully with some luck, next year will be alright. Happy new year everyone.

Last sunset of the year from outside of my balcony/when I wrote this.

When I was still begging for someone, anyone to hire me, a friend asked why oh why did I get a phd if I didn't want to go the academic route and be a professor.

I said because it was fun. She laughed. I said, what? Is that not a valid reason? She looked at me like how mothers look at their children who just chocolate finger painted something cute like 'I love mama' on the wall. (Yes, I got that out of a skype video call, I have no idea why ppl still can't make long distance relationships work in this day and age.) Although now that I thought about it, her two-year-old was running in the background when we spoke, so maybe she wasn't looking at me.

Anyway. The point being, perhaps it was a problem that I have not really been too goal oriented. Unless to have fun in what I do is the goal, then I probably have been spot on. The problem then became, what if fun would never lead to anything significant? There will always be people who ask why, all those year of schooling and no tangible accomplishment. I have nothing to show, definitely nothing by the general standards of ka chings. I mean, I agonize about buying a pair of new shoes while my peers comtemplate buying a third house. Not comparing myself to them, but if you think about the amount of people who have dedicated their lives to curing cancer, you will never hear about them unless they are the ones who find the cure. You can dedicate your whole life to something and never succeed nor be appreciated. I am telling you that is the line of work call research that I like. I don't blame you if you don't know what is wrong with me. Me neither. I think it is one of those situations where once you experienced it, everything else is not good enough. (Aka once you've seen the ocean... you won't care about other water... Except tap water, obviously.)

I guess what I am trying to say is that... it is rather obvious that my ambition is not to be a CEO/CFO of a bank or anything that would make me a lot friends. (I wouldn't mind owning a very profitable coffee place/bar though.) I bet being filty rich is nice, but I don't think I ever wake up in the morning thinking about that. I can't do anything if that is considered ambitionless by most. (I think even a goal of having a husband is considered more respectable by some). This fun thing... it might lead me to no where... but that's the price I would have to pay. At least that is what I have decided for now.

This project I am working on has just been assigned a product manager. He visited last week, trying to get exposure to neurosurgery, sniff out market potential, etc.

Everyone who visits always say they want to see everything. The end results is that we always get there too early, because surgery never starts right on time in the morning. This week we arrived so early that the patient is still awake and being briefed by the surgeon. It was still dark outside at 730 and the OR was quiet, we were all standing outside the room. The patient was joking about the anaesthetic he had last time that gave him a flaming crotch when I glanced over to his wife, who chuckled half-heartedly. It was difficult to ignore the worry on her face. I noticed her left hand was a tight fist and her right hand kept rubbing over it. I had the urge to say something comforting but instead I just watched her silently. Almostly helplessly. He had 4 tumours, and it was his 7th operation in 12 years. He was only in his late forties. It felt... heavy.

As the patient was rolled into the OR, his wife left. I know it sounds like a cliche but as I was sitting there watching the surgery it suddenly occured to me that someone out there is worried sick about what was going on. It's not just a case to them, nor a cool procedure. It was anything but. I walk in and out of the room many times now, but it was the first time that I consciously thought about the absence of family members in there. The surgery went on for 9 hours. I can't imagine the agony if I were waiting that long outside the OR. I would probably rather watch, no matter how nerve wrecking that might be.

The neurosurgeon told me he would be alright. Maybe some weakness in his legs. The tumours will come back and they will operate again when it does. There are too many things to be grateful for in life... ironically Adele is singing as I type this.

Cleaning ladies like to talk to me. I used to think that was because I was the only one working late into the morning hours in my old lab. But the cleaning ladies in my new building stops by just after lunch and they still talk to me.

I wonder if other ppl interact as much to cleaning ladies as I do. When I first started grad school I fixed one of the cleaning ladies' glasses for her. Then I slowly get to know about how many children she has and what they were studying. One time a cleaning staff asked if I was a student, and started asking me if university or polytechnic would be better.

The first cleaning lady in the new building first looked at me for days before she finally ask if I was chinese. Then she asked if I speak cantonese. The second cleaning lady today told me she was very upset yesterday because someone from another floor sent a complaint email to the building manager saying that the floor was not mopped the day before. She said she did, and she is still on probabation. I can't help but to feel bad for the poor philipino lady.

My old boss put up a sign on the wall above the garbage can once. It read, "Please throw garbage into and not around the garbage can, it is disrespectful to the cleaning staff." One of the many reasons why I think he is a great boss.

I figured this is how I function. If I were really worry about something, I won't/can't tell anyone about it and goes into isolation. I might call someone up and randomly chat about something else. Anything else. If I were semi worry about something, I tell that one person in a non-chalant way. I would however, have to make sure that it is not something that would cause concern in that person. So the more insensitive he/she is, the better.

I guess that is why D is great as a friend. I could probably tell him I have cancer and he would said, "Oh no..." then a guy would walk by and he won't remember a thing. Ok, maybe that's not fair, he is a good friend. But I don't have to worry about making his day any less pleasant because I had problems. He will tune it out if necesary, he would tell me to shut up if necessary. Makes it so much easier.