thereisnone

2012-01-18T23:17:00.003-07:00

It has been cold. Like -30 cold. Colder with willchill, -40 maybe? Can't tell really at that point, you just want to cover as much of your face with your scarf, and try to keep your eyes open because the condensation from breathing into a scarf is making ice crystals on your eye lashes. Your focus has to be on anything but the cold.

As long as I keep moving my toes will be fine in my runners. No more than 15 minutes, of course.

Standing is difficult. I easily spend a whole day at work standing these days. It is so much more difficult than walking! I finally understand why it was used as a form of punishment in school. I swear I will marry the first foot massage therapist I run into at the end of the day. I might even sacrife my happy ever after with a chef... maybe not... I wonder if this is why some men dream of multiple wives.

Going home, going home. I don't get to go home this year for our new year... some of you know how that feels. It is not unlike walking in -30 weather, you focus on everything else but that tug you feel.

2012-01-06T21:24:00.003-07:00

Umm... this is kinda embarassing. I don't really know how to explain it without sounding weird. It is sort of like dancing drunk and then thinking about it the next day. Sometimes instead of dancing... I write... and when you look at it the next day you thought, what the hell is this. Sort of like that.

Mostly it was embarassing because it wasn't true. I probably won't be bothered with the explaination if it wasn't for its context. Those in the know might have thought it was real. In reality it was just one of those lame attempts to imagine emotions that could come from a real event type thing. It wasn't meant to be saved nor published, I was just.. typing. I wasn't even mad. Like how ppl mindlessly scribble when they are on phone call that never ends? Like that.

That's all I can say. I hope that clear things up. Also, don't worry,I don't have a drinking problem. If you do suspect so from reading these, it is because I tend to stay up and drink water before I go to bed, if I've been out having drinks. And I tend to write during those times... you see where this is going? I know you do. So we are cool? Yes? I hope so.

2012-01-06T00:26:00.004-07:00

My tap is dripping. My Ikea clock is too loud. It almost sounded like the two of them are having a private party of their own and I was not invited. I could go into my room and ignore them, but instead I am sitting here thinking about you.

I don't miss you, not really, not what you are now, at least. I miss how you used to be when I didn't know what I was feeling. When I didn't know why I had to see you all the time. Or why we would exchange smiles through the rear view mirror when no one else was watching. I get along with most of my friends, I get playful, I didn't think it was any different with you. Now I know the difference being I don't sit around thinking about my other friends.

The worst wasn't that I felt so much for you for so long, nor that I never told you. The worst was that I felt so much for you but never knew what it was until you became someone I can no longer adore. I had to be out of it to realize that I was in it in the first place. I remember being startled at the realization. It was almost like waking up in the middle of a very good dream, the moment you appreciate it was the moment it was over.

I was indifferent in seeing you again tonight. There was nothing really to be excited about, it's been long enough that everything about you felt unfamiliar except for your name. But for the split of a second, while sitting at the table with everyone else, when you turned around and smiled at me, I was nostalgic. We used to do that too, when we were seated apart and couldn't talk to each other. Looking back it was blatantly obvious, and the thought made me chuckle - could I have been really so clueless? You looked at me curiously before turning away. Perhaps back in that time frame it would have been something, it was quite cute after all. But I am perfectly alright with it all just being a thought now.

2011-12-31T18:14:00.015-07:00

I woke up today and somehow decided on two things: 1) I will listen to 988 online and 2) I will order pizza for dinner.

The DJ was playing the oldest songs, 1/2 them I think were from my elementary/high school years. To be honest it always reminded of those years when I listen to radio from back home. One of those things. The DJ was saying how great it was to be sharing the first morning of the new year with her listeners when I turned it off - it's still new year's eve here, she was killing this end-of-the-year-by-myself mood with too much new year enthusiasm.

It seemed mandatory to look back at the year today. Although the first thing that came to mind was actually to pay rent - you can't really excuse forgetting that when everywhere is screaming "New Year Tomorrow!" I had 1/2 anticipated to fill my glass with this great combination of grapefruit and my favourite drink at this moment, instead it was filled with Pu Er, which feels just as fitting, especially since I finally bought a kettle yesterday.

Anyway, what did I do? 2011 felt so uneventful at first thought... but I actually found a job... it wasn't without exciting/agonizing moments. The year started with me talking to a company which thought they might have a position for me in HK. Then it didn't happen. I went to visit their HK branch anyways. I was home twice this year. In between those trips I stayed up many nights for various reasons. Thankfully I am blessed with the best friends a person can have, far and close, who help made those days manageable. I am not sure how anyone else cope, but I am definitely only as good as these wonderful people would let me be.

I finally found a job, left the city I lived in for the past 10 years and the lab I worked in for the past 7 years. It was long overdue, but when the moment came, it wasn't any less emotional. Had one of the best/rowdiest ski trips this year with my favourite weirdos. Had some great go-away parties and one of the most memorable moving experiences ever. Had a terrible fight with my brother which resulted in an awesome trip to Cambodia with a great friend from Spain.

I can't say it's been the best year, there were things that I wished didn't happen... but even in those cases I am grateful that it wasn't any worse. It was definitely a year with quite some changes, some that implied another phase of figuring who I am and what I want and all those good stuff. I guess it is all part of this thing about life, there are always things to be figured out. Hopefully I get some of that done next year. As for the rest.. I will do my best, and hopefully with some luck, next year will be alright. Happy new year everyone.

Last sunset of the year from outside of my balcony/when I wrote this.

2011-12-20T00:11:00.007-07:00

When I was still begging for someone, anyone to hire me, a friend asked why oh why did I get a phd if I didn't want to go the academic route and be a professor.

I said because it was fun. She laughed. I said, what? Is that not a valid reason? She looked at me like how mothers look at their children who just chocolate finger painted something cute like 'I love mama' on the wall. (Yes, I got that out of a skype video call, I have no idea why ppl still can't make long distance relationships work in this day and age.) Although now that I thought about it, her two-year-old was running in the background when we spoke, so maybe she wasn't looking at me.

Anyway. The point being, perhaps it was a problem that I have not really been too goal oriented. Unless to have fun in what I do is the goal, then I probably have been spot on. The problem then became, what if fun would never lead to anything significant? There will always be people who ask why, all those year of schooling and no tangible accomplishment. I have nothing to show, definitely nothing by the general standards of ka chings. I mean, I agonize about buying a pair of new shoes while my peers comtemplate buying a third house. Not comparing myself to them, but if you think about the amount of people who have dedicated their lives to curing cancer, you will never hear about them unless they are the ones who find the cure. You can dedicate your whole life to something and never succeed nor be appreciated. I am telling you that is the line of work call research that I like. I don't blame you if you don't know what is wrong with me. Me neither. I think it is one of those situations where once you experienced it, everything else is not good enough. (Aka once you've seen the ocean... you won't care about other water... Except tap water, obviously.)

I guess what I am trying to say is that... it is rather obvious that my ambition is not to be a CEO/CFO of a bank or anything that would make me a lot friends. (I wouldn't mind owning a very profitable coffee place/bar though.) I bet being filty rich is nice, but I don't think I ever wake up in the morning thinking about that. I can't do anything if that is considered ambitionless by most. (I think even a goal of having a husband is considered more respectable by some). This fun thing... it might lead me to no where... but that's the price I would have to pay. At least that is what I have decided for now.

2011-12-18T01:43:00.004-07:00

This project I am working on has just been assigned a product manager. He visited last week, trying to get exposure to neurosurgery, sniff out market potential, etc.

Everyone who visits always say they want to see everything. The end results is that we always get there too early, because surgery never starts right on time in the morning. This week we arrived so early that the patient is still awake and being briefed by the surgeon. It was still dark outside at 730 and the OR was quiet, we were all standing outside the room. The patient was joking about the anaesthetic he had last time that gave him a flaming crotch when I glanced over to his wife, who chuckled half-heartedly. It was difficult to ignore the worry on her face. I noticed her left hand was a tight fist and her right hand kept rubbing over it. I had the urge to say something comforting but instead I just watched her silently. Almostly helplessly. He had 4 tumours, and it was his 7th operation in 12 years. He was only in his late forties. It felt... heavy.

As the patient was rolled into the OR, his wife left. I know it sounds like a cliche but as I was sitting there watching the surgery it suddenly occured to me that someone out there is worried sick about what was going on. It's not just a case to them, nor a cool procedure. It was anything but. I walk in and out of the room many times now, but it was the first time that I consciously thought about the absence of family members in there. The surgery went on for 9 hours. I can't imagine the agony if I were waiting that long outside the OR. I would probably rather watch, no matter how nerve wrecking that might be.

The neurosurgeon told me he would be alright. Maybe some weakness in his legs. The tumours will come back and they will operate again when it does. There are too many things to be grateful for in life... ironically Adele is singing as I type this.

2011-12-13T23:20:00.003-07:00

Cleaning ladies like to talk to me. I used to think that was because I was the only one working late into the morning hours in my old lab. But the cleaning ladies in my new building stops by just after lunch and they still talk to me.

I wonder if other ppl interact as much to cleaning ladies as I do. When I first started grad school I fixed one of the cleaning ladies' glasses for her. Then I slowly get to know about how many children she has and what they were studying. One time a cleaning staff asked if I was a student, and started asking me if university or polytechnic would be better.

The first cleaning lady in the new building first looked at me for days before she finally ask if I was chinese. Then she asked if I speak cantonese. The second cleaning lady today told me she was very upset yesterday because someone from another floor sent a complaint email to the building manager saying that the floor was not mopped the day before. She said she did, and she is still on probabation. I can't help but to feel bad for the poor philipino lady.

My old boss put up a sign on the wall above the garbage can once. It read, "Please throw garbage into and not around the garbage can, it is disrespectful to the cleaning staff." One of the many reasons why I think he is a great boss.

2011-12-08T23:33:00.002-07:00

I figured this is how I function. If I were really worry about something, I won't/can't tell anyone about it and goes into isolation. I might call someone up and randomly chat about something else. Anything else. If I were semi worry about something, I tell that one person in a non-chalant way. I would however, have to make sure that it is not something that would cause concern in that person. So the more insensitive he/she is, the better.

I guess that is why D is great as a friend. I could probably tell him I have cancer and he would said, "Oh no..." then a guy would walk by and he won't remember a thing. Ok, maybe that's not fair, he is a good friend. But I don't have to worry about making his day any less pleasant because I had problems. He will tune it out if necesary, he would tell me to shut up if necessary. Makes it so much easier.

2011-12-04T22:34:00.002-07:00

Somehow I thought of the 90s. Ah. I dare you to not sing along (and be surprised that you still remember the lyrics). And not think about the time when this was on the radio.

Sure there were better songs, but these makes me smile. Can't believe so many years have gone by... I suppose if a lot of things make you feel nostalgic... you're starting to get old.

I should make a 90s playlist. And 80s.

2011-12-03T23:46:00.004-07:00

A while back I speculate that kids are cute because they say things that you don't expect. I mean, I speculate that is why people find them cuter than puppies/kittens. The speculation came from talking to my prev. supervisor. I asked if he was having fun with his new born grand daughter, he said new borns mostly eat and sleep, and in the first year they are more like pets, the fun doesn't start until they can interact with you.

I was at the bus station today. Since bus service in this city is pure crap, when I got to the station, I asked the guy standing there if #19 had gone by. "No.. but I was taking a leak, so I could have missed it."

The logical follow-up question was to ask where he took a leak, so I can:
1. find out if I can potentially be standing on pee
2. estimate how long he took his eye off the road

But it felt too personal, even though he was the one who brough it up. So instead I casually asked how long he's been there and walked out of the booth.

So the moral of the story is that I am no longer sure if hearing things you don't expect can be perceived as cute... and don't talk to strangers.

2011-11-20T17:20:00.002-07:00

I met up with someone from high school yesterday. Same graduation year, and even some mutual friends. It is rather amazing, to be able to track down a fellow CHer in this city, all the way across the world, a decade after graduation. I might not be a huge fan of fbook, but I can't deny its ability to work magic sometimes.

Not your typical first meet and greet. I suggested coffee but it quickly turned into a chinese grocery shopping/dinner get together. Weird if you think about it - we don't really know each other before this. It was as if being through same high school with the same ppl was enough. Perhaps that qualified us as ppl who shared the most similar experiences in this city. That or perhaps she is just really friendly and like many others, wanted to feed me.

It's cold over here. Winter has finally arrived. Snow on the ground and 4.30pm sunsets. My nonsweeten soy milk refuse to stay warm for long in the glass. The music is on, and I am thinking about what I am doing here in this city. It is very easy to see how work can make people disgruntled. The amount of emails and correspondences, reports, every form of so called communication, it can be overbearing. I am not very creative to start with, and I doubt paper work improves that. Fast forward this to 5 years in the future I will be pissed off too, constantly. Paper work is just no fun. You can't be happy if you are not having fun. Simple as it is. In short, ppl often wonder why ppl stay in academia, the pay sucks and you work long hours. Truth? Because it is fun. For many, work is play. You are not bogged down by the daily formality, you don't constantly worry about liability. Didn't someone once said freedom is priceless? That.

2011-11-11T00:19:00.004-07:00

This is, perhaps, not fair, since I've only been in C town for 2 months and lived in E town for... 10 years (yes, it had been that long).

I can't seem to understand why ppl often said Calgary is a better city. It is a bigger city, perhaps, but not really better, from what I can tell. It is closer to the mountains, yes, but that's the location, nothing to do with the city itself... I mean, a garbage can on the mountain in theory has a even better location, but you can't say that's a better place to live.

A friend asked of my opinion of the city... I told him it doesn't really have much character. It is close to the mountain, it looks nicer, it has jobs/money, that's the main reason why ppl (including me) are here, but doesn't have a lot of soul, nor trees. Bus service is a joke and traffic is terrible. When I listen to the local news, shootings were reported about 4/7 nights. (I was at first confused about how E town beat it to be the murder capital, then I realize stabbings can be more deadly than shootings.) The biggest festival in this city is about a bunch of cowbows showing off what they can do with cows/bulls... The summer festivals in the other? Street performance. Fringe. Heritage day.

I still don't get it. I realized a lot of my complaints are common themes in big cities, but me not getting it is not solely because I tend to like smaller cities.. For example, I might not want to live in HK, but I won't say it has no character nor culture, you know what I mean?

And you know what really triggered this rant? The UofC has so little books compared to UofA I stopped my search midway to check if they actually have an arts department (what would they read)? I suppose "better" means different things to different ppl, but in my books it is definitely not equivalent to "richer"(coming from the research hippie, I can almost see my bro scowling at me if I had said this to him). Yes, that is absolutely because I am not filthy rich yet.

2011-11-06T19:08:00.004-07:00

Daylight savings ended today, which means we gained back an hour that we lost in March. I woke up with a bad headache, one of those that made me wished I had been seriously drunk last night so it would at least make sense, or perhaps, even, made it worth while. Else it was just pure suffering, and a slight bit worrying.

So I decided to not go to work. Maybe it was just a convenient excuse to not work on a Sunday, but you are not my boss so I don't really have to explain myself. Like how someone I met on the bus back to Edmonton last Friday told me I don't have to justified how the internet connection on the bus would allow me to work, so I wasn't exactly skipping work. Instead, I curled up on my couch with a book and the oversized UofA blanket that my old boss gave me as a parting give. Or maybe it was a banner meant to be hung on the wall, I can't tell. I didn't even turn the TV on.

It was great. Just reading, with my speakers on, warm on the couch and all. By the time I finished the book and it was already evening. On some days, like today, I would think that is all I need.

2011-10-26T22:37:00.007-06:00

I smirk. I don't realize it most of the time, but ppl would ask, "Why are you smirking?" It's often assumed that I am secretly laughing at them.

Well, the truth is, I was just amused, often by myself. Or I can be laughing at myself sarcastically - if I were having a conversation with myself, which I almost always am, I was probably saying something along the line of: "Ah...good job, genius," to myself sarcastically. And it would be followed by an equally sarcastic reply that goes something like, "Oh, shut up, at least it was better than that time I...." You see how it works.

I was smirking a lot tonight, at dinner. A friend I just met at work asked if she can park her car at my parking spot tomorrow. I live 15 mins walk from work and she would need to drive to work tomorrow because of a doctor's appointment. I said yes, of course. For whatever reason, she decided to return the favour by inviting me to dinner, in a chinese restaurant, with her husband and mother-in-law, for... wedding banquet food tasting. For whatever reason, I said, "...Sure, why not."

Somewhere between deciding on peking duck or lobster, I realized this was my first experience at chinese wedding banquet preparation. I never thought it would be under such circumstances. It was slightly weird, picking out wedding dinner dishes with someone I barely know, and in the case of her husband and mother-in-law, never met. It seem like a family event... but then again, I have been involved in many other family's event. I've been to K's grandma's bd, her nephew's full moon, her mom's singing practice... (hmm... no wonder D keep asking if we were dating... I can see that from a westerner's pov now it could rather suspicious.) My point being, many events where ppl decided there would be too much food anyway so why not feed a LS. It was as if I have "feed me" written all over my forehead. Or as if I release some sort of pheromone that signals hunger. (Imagine such perfume, it would have me as spokeperson and the tagline "Can you resist... feeding her?")

I often wonder if another person would feel somewhat embarassed if they were in my shoes. Some one who hasn't been a foreign student for too long... some one who think of an invitation to dinner more than just an invitation to reduce waste... some one who takes themselves more seriously than food. Or just simply someone who has their own family events to attend to.

2011-10-17T17:03:00.006-06:00

I have been sick. That's not an excuse for not writing, I've only been sick for two days.

The real excuse for not writing is that I've been busy with work. Very original, I know.

I've decided to come out of my shell because it's been a good day, despite being sick. And I highly doubt tomorrow will be any good at all (I have worries too, ppl), so let's savour this moment.

There was a 2nd hand book sale downstairs. I spotted it on my way to work. A dollar for a paperback, 2 dollars for a hardcover. I went down 2 times and spent 6 dollars on 4 books. Then I had to tell myself to walk away. But 6 dollars for 4 books!! Life can be rather awesome.

Also, a personal favourite RY came out with a new album. I don't like to call myself a fan, that implies too much commitment. I did look forward to its release. It came out last week, but it stopped streaming today so I had to look around - I feel slightly guilty, because the album was made with fan donations. Anyway, I found out that the comments/reviews about the album were generally favourable, but the descriptions about the artist made me laugh:

"...Most may know her for her heart wrenching, my life is over, give me tissues, type ballads that have provided females of all ages a soundtrack to their unfortunate love lives..."

"...I was not amped at the prospect of listening to Chesapeake at 7am this morning, her past releases are not 7am records. They’re 11pm records after a hard day and a couple of vodka tonics. But Chesapeake is not really like that...."

Oh but that voice is so perfect for sad ballads... I don't even need a unfortunate love life to appreciate it. Maybe if tomorrow is miserable it would be the perfect album to listen to after work and a few. Life can still be rather awesome that way.

2011-10-03T21:19:00.005-06:00

The day before Wicked I travelled back to Edmonton from Calgary to do some measurements. Yes, I was working... I had to give a talk in Boston in September and I had no data, so I was determined to get some data before I leave. What happened before the experiment I do not remember... a lot that happened around that week was a blur.

Of course things had to fail that day so I had no data. I had no time to fuss over it because J was hosting my last go away party at his place that day, promising planked salmon and other yummy stuff. It was meant to cover ppl on the floor who weren't at the steamboat go away party. And also so that everyone can drink freely. "We're gonna have a good time. None of that half-ass shit." was his exact words. He's polish. It was very nice of him to throw me a party.

So we ate. And we drank. No one was hammered. B and D found me in the kitchen when I was getting drinks. Everyone else was in the backyard so the duo took the opportunity to ask what they have always wanted to know, point blank. In a way I am amazed it took them this long to ask it out loud. Oddly I find that quite adorable. E walked in during their investigation and I signalled for help. She laughed and said she was confident I can handle them on my own and walked back out. I hate to dissapoint but I don't think anything was resolved.

It was a really good time. We came into the house when it got dark and they presented their parting gift. D gave me a dozen pair of socks because he can't stand the fact that I wear holey socks. A asked how would he even know my size. Sigh, that was the cute part. We used to shop for socks together because he has small feet, that's how. We even buy the same socks. Yes, this friendship is quite special.

M and the rest of the guys bought me return bus tickets to Edmonton. Also very cute. Sometimes I don't remember I've been in the lab for 7 years. 11 years in Edmonton. Crazy. It was weird to leave, partly because it would be weird to go back. It felt like a second home and yet I have no family to go home to if I were to go back for a visit. I know it's not a problem to crash at someone's place. But something feels disconnected... This probably doesn't make any sense to you.

We left around midnight. I went home with A. She told me the couch was terrible and offered to share her bed. We had our little bedtime chat and I mentioned the guys and the kitchen. She laughed and told me I'd miss them.

Then it was bed time.

2011-09-30T00:38:00.004-06:00

Oh wells, better start if I were to do this.

Gotta start somewhere, no?

I watched my first musical right before I left Edmonton: Wicked. That was August 4th. M bought tickets for a few of us before I found a job. He bought 4, 2 for him and his soulmate, 1 for A (his favourite) and 1 for me. He didn't find his soulmate in time so he invited the prof next door. Was it a little weird that he invited and paid for 3 girls to watch a musical with him? Honestly, yes, a little. But he's a nice guy, and I am cheap so I have no complaints. In my defense I did offer to pay him back, but he said I wouldn't have bought it if he didn't buy it, plus he likes to be generous.

I can't stop ppl from feeling good about themselves. Especially if that makes me happy too. This is a free country.

We went for dinner after work that day before heading to the show. It was great. Such a good show, worth every one of M's penny.

Then I went home with A. Wait, nope... not that kind of story. I meant I crashed at A's place because I already moved out of the city at that point. She was nice enough to share her bed with me for the 2nd night in a row instead of putting me on a couch.

I might have forgotten to tell you what happened the day before.

2011-09-26T01:22:00.004-06:00

I went to see an ice hockey game tonight. Why? Because K got free tickets and she's an awesome friend who wants to make sure I am not at home having a staredown contest with my boxes on a weekend.

So I met her high school friends. One I already knew from undergrad, one I've never met... who upon introduction immediately reminded me of, yes, my cousin. Maybe it was her nose, I don't know. I just know it's annoying when that happens.

Then I was at home watching tv. Some character went to visit her aunt who was a psychic because she mistakenly cursed someone while drunk (that's the kind of show I watch). The aunt complained that she never visits.

Really annoying.

I am reading a book next weekend.

2011-09-22T00:06:00.003-06:00

At the hospital office, this asian lady is at the desk:

Me: I need a new badge... and I have this form.
Lady: What are you?
Me: A post doc.
Lady: *Looks at form* So you are not a hospital employee.
Me: No.
Lady: Alberta Health is not paying you.
Me: No.
Lady: So you are a contractor.
Me: Sure... I work with the robot, with Dr. S, a neurosurgeon.
Lady:?
Me: So I'll be around the OR area...
Lady: What department are you in?
Me: Ah... I don't have one, I don't work for the hospital. I need access because I will be working with Dr. S...
Lady: You have to give me one, it goes on your badge.
Me: Ok...neurology? No, neurosurgery, do you have a department like that?
(Someone standing in line laughed.)
Lady: Yes.
Me: Ok then, that.
Lady: How long will you be here?
Me: Indefinitely.
Lady: I can only give you 1 year, coz you are a contractor.
Me: I'll probably be here longer than 1 year.
Lady: Ok, 2 years, coz you are a contractor. After 2 years you renew.
Me:... ? Ok.

I felt like I bargained my way into getting a badge.

2011-09-20T01:16:00.003-06:00

I feel like I've been away forever.

Ok, where was I. I went home. Spent time with my parents. Sometimes... somethings, you need to see it to be sure. And it feels much better when you are sure. So I set them up with Skype. I am forever grateful for having some awesome friends who are always willing to help. You guys know who you are.

I tried to summarize the trip in a reasonable length post and realized it was impossible. I could, but you would miss out on all the random things that happened. It was also impossible because if you ask me, a lot of things happened in the last few months and it's all a blur in my head - sort of like what happened when they show things moving very fast on tv, like when superman runs - a blur.

So, my plan is to tell you everything. Well, or nothing, I haven't decided yet. Nothing seems less work but that defeits the purpose of a blog. In case I really do tell you nothing, which I probably wouldn't (but just in case), you should at least know why I was slightly overwhelmed:

July 31: Edmonton.
Aug 1-2: Calgary.
Aug 3-4: Edmonton.
Aug 5: Edmonton -> Vancouver -> HK.
Aug 6-7: HK.
Aug 8-14: home
Aug 15-19: Siem Reap.
Aug 19 - 26: home.
Aug 27: KL. HK.
Aug 28: HK-> Toronto -> Montreal -> (Boston).
Aug 29 - Sept 4: Boston.
Sept 5: Calgary.
Sept 6-16: Winnipeg
Sept 17: Calgary.

It was very good, it was also a mess, like my apartment now. The very very good thing is: despite it was a pain because so many little random issues popped up, eventually it all worked out and so all the big things went right. For that, I have no complaints. It is just, slightly exhausting.

2011-09-07T23:31:00.001-06:00

I have stuff to write, but I am too tired. Maybe tomorrow.

2011-08-03T02:38:00.004-06:00

Moved out the day before yesterday, traveled 3 hours south with all my belongings, moved in yesterday, and tomorrow I'm heading 3 hours up north.

Pure madness. It has been, so far, the most eventful moving experience ever. Before the move we knew I had a 24 hour void - I have to move out by noon on the 31st and can't move in till 1st at noon. So, the initial plan was that on move out day, D will pick me up at 9.30am, we'd go pick up the cargo van at 10am, load everything and move out by 1pm. Depending on time/space/mood, we might drop by Ikea on the way south to purchase a couch. We should arrive before 8pm ish at this hotel we booked, located downtown within walking distance to the clubbing area and restaurant areas so we can get dinner/drinks, and D and R can go clubbing. The next day, we move in at noon.

So I stayed up all night to get everything as packed up as possible. Morning came, D came to pick me up with Starbucks coffee. We got to the van rental place, told them we were there to pick up the van. "We don't have any cargo van." "What do you mean you don't have any? We booked one." "Ahrr.. let me check the system... oh, you know, sometimes ppl don't return vehicle on time.... I'm sorry, we don't have any... and no, none of our locations in Edmonton has a van for today."

Any swear words would be an under-representation/statement of how we felt at that time. We drove to another 2 car rental companies, called another. Everyone told us the same thing - it was a long weekend, everyone was moving, the city was short on rental vans/trucks. We ended up at Uhaul, initially getting excited at the sight of 10 trucks sitting at the parking lot. We walked into the office and saw the longest line up ever. While standing in line we frantically searched for other options online through R's iphone, but it was a sunday so other than a few major companies, the rests were closed. D went to talk to a lady at the parking lot just to scout out our chances... somehow she happened to be the store manager. She told him we should come back at 1pm, because there were cancellations but they were too busy and can't deal with new reservations until the morning crowd was over. With hope and still standing in line, I called 1-800-go-uhaul thinking that I might score a reservation (since there were cancellations) through the online system. After being on hold for 20 minutes, I was told even if there were cancellations, they had a waiting list, and those ppl would get the cancelled trucks. I told D about the uplifting news. He went to check with the manager on the chance of us actually getting a truck if we came back at 1pm. The moment she heard we were actually moving out of the city, she told us we should forget about it, they only deal with in town rentals, and if you take the trucks out of town we will be charged per kilometers.

At this point it was about 11.45am. We had a shit load of boxes, an apartment to vacate, a hotel reservation, and no moving vehicle. I called the Resident Assistant and told him there was no way I can move out by noon. Call me if anyone needs to move in immediately.

We know D's minivan won't be big enough to fit everything. So I called up the person who somehow, always help to solve my problems - K. She was back in town for the long weekend from Calgary. She has a Subaru hatch back. Maybe with 2 vehicles we can fit everything in, though we will have to leave R behind. She had 30 minutes before she had to go to a movie, so she came right away to access the situation. Tight, was our conclusion. Nonetheless, with the time constrain we loaded her car with as many boxes as possible and off she went to see Harry Potter. Looking at the remaining things we realized it would still be hard to fit all the awkward pieces of furniture in D's minivan. So we headed back to Uhaul, thinking we'd just pay whatever we need to get the in-town vans, if they have any. I told D to turn on his charm. He said he can put on a tank top. "Please do", I said/laughed, "I'm sorry we have to pimp you out a little, but these are desperate times and we need all the help we can get." So he did. We decided I would work the stressed-out-helpless-asian-girl at the brink of breaking down role if necessary. (Looking back, we definitely handled the stress quite well... coz make no mistakes, we were quite stressed out at that point and I have no idea why we were still able to joke around). He found the manager, talked to her, she said she has one truck available, but she has to call her boss to get approvals for bringing the truck out of town.

We waited for another 30 minutes while she sort things out over the phone... They were so fully booked that she can't make new reservations till the weekend was over. So she worked around it by making the reservation for after the weekend, and then changing it to the current day. At 2pm we finally have a Uhaul truck that seats 3! I was so overwhelmed I almost teared up because:
1. We did it! 4 hours later we finally found a damn truck! (We are invincible!)
2. I really had to pee.
3. I've had no sleep the night before so I was really tired.

So we stopped by Ikea now that we have tonnes of space. K happened to be at the cinema next to Ikea, so I texted her to call us when she's done so we can transfer stuff to the Uhaul.
We were also hungry so we ate at Ikea. It was 3.30pm when we finish eating. We proceed to couch testing. I was tired and very suggestible so D and R were pretty much the ones making all the decisions at this point. We ended up buying a couch, 2 pillows, 2 coffee tables, and a shower curtain. 700 dollars was spent. Karen showed up right after and we moved everything. We left Ikea around 6pm to go back to my apartment for the rest of my stuff.

We took off at 8pm. Had dinner at Mcdonald's midway. Got to Calgary at 11.30pm. Checked in. Showered, had some drinks. Slept. Woke up the next day at 10.20pm. Showered. Check out at 11am. Had breakfast across the street. Signed lease and everything at 12.30pm. Start unloading around 1pm. Finish unloading around 2pm. Ordered pizza delivery and started putting together the couch - the boys were adamant about helping me with that before they leave. Cable guy stopped by and chatted with us while he set up internet/tv and we put things together. Pizza arrived around 2.50pm. Cable guy left. Finish eating around 3.30pm. I went to set up my bed while the boys work on the coffee tables. Finished those around 4.30pm. Just when they were leaving K arrived so we all met up again. We said good byes to the boys, and Karen and I hung out, had tequila and Indian food for dinner. She went home at 11pm... and I went to bed at.. I can't remember.

That is the story of how I got moved to Calgary. Moral of the story? 1. Good friends are important, 2. Hot friends are important if you need to move and have no truck, 3. I must have been a saint in my previous life to deserve these ppl around me.

I am sure it would have been quite different if I were by myself. For that, I am grateful. And I love them eternally. Well, not really eternally, but you know what I mean.

2011-07-24T16:09:00.005-06:00

A lot of things happening these days. Work and otherwise. In short I've been busy with:

1. packing and selling;
2. moving arrangements, bickering with D what I should and shouldn't move;
3. trying to absorb everything about this city and remember what I like so much that I'm pretty sure I will forget soon anyway;
4. getting use to the idea of not coming back here and seeing the ppl I've been seeing everyday for the past 7 years or so;
5. packing.

I do think relationship with friends is significantly different when you are away from your immediate family. Or maybe friendship is different when you are older, I don't know, for me it happened at the same time so I can't tell. As much as you/they want to, you realize even family can't be there for you all the time. You have to trust yourself to be lucky enough that maybe one out of 10 of your friends will be there for you when you need them. When they do you realize sometimes human relationships are just human relationships, ppl can fail you, blood or not. For the same reason ppl can genuinely care for you, blood or not. I'm naive that way. They might not give you their kidneys if you need them, but happiness is about managing expectations.

In other notes, a colleague of mine has been on my case forever for not wanting to be canadian. I'm limiting career my options, he said, which is completely irrational. Whatever changes you think you can make, you can't do it to the full potential if you limit your own opportunities. He's right, in a sense. Let's just say recent events have me felt there is a possibility that I will not regret it.

In other other notes, this coffee place is playing all the music I know. I should befriend whomever making the music choices.

2011-07-13T21:58:00.003-06:00

Just got back from farewell dinner with the lab. The boss is leaving on Friday and decided we would do it today. I was given a book, a blanket, a scarf and a mug, he figured one out of those must be useful. Last weekend we were down at Calgary apartment hunting, since it was also the Stampede weekend. Loads of pictures on FB. Guys in the lab gave me a card and said to celebrate properly some other day. I told a friend yesterday that I'd probably miss my colleagues the most. She said I was lucky, she can't stand the sight of her colleagues.

There is something nice about having no expectations. Makes you appreciate everything so much more. Although to be fair, I do work with some amazing ppl. Intelligent, knowledgeable, a little weird but all extremely generous and kind in their own way. It's been a humbling experience and if you asked me I have definitely became a better person. No wonder everyone always come back...

Sigh. It's ridiculous how much of a softy I am at heart. Maybe that's why dad is constantly worry about me.

2011-07-04T03:27:00.006-06:00

I don't like to meddle. I am a firm believer that whatever happened between two people is exactly that. I can't possibly know more than them, and I can't judge what I don't know.

Except at times like this. I don't like having a friend calling me in tears telling me her fiance just broke up with her. Even I felt cheated. He just proposed 2 weeks ago. He, unfortunately, is also my friend, and we all joked about me wearing a dress to the wedding in front of their parents. He confessed to her he doesn't feel the same anymore. And yes, he's been seeing someone else.

I thought about the time when they started dating 4 years ago. He called to ask me if I will be alright with him asking her out. I laughed and said he didn't need my permission. I appreciate the gesture though. As long as he was serious, I said, she just survived a divorce. He said he was, it was time to settle down.

If I were just her friend, there will be nothing else to say other than he's an asshole. I'll be infuriated. But now I'm just confused. It is possible that he is a good friend but a terrible boyfriend, or, I don't know him that well.

But assuming that I do know something about him, and I am not completely delusional... I can be wrong, I can be very wrong, but I have a terrible feeling that he is making a huge mistake because he is freaked out. I have this urge to get him out and asked if he knows what he is doing - if he is then it is a good thing he is breaking it off now, she is too good for him. I feel obligated to tell him that he will regret this.

I'm not sure how I feel about all these. I want to hear his side of the story although I don't think that will change the fact that he has been an absolute jerk. If I don't say anything it would implied I am alright with it, which I am not. I am slightly conflicted. Sometimes a change of heart is a change of heart. I don't know.

2011-07-02T00:09:00.004-06:00

I put in my notice of vacate yesterday. I'm committing to this move. I suppose there is no other way. I have exactly 30 days. It's just 3 hours south... not far at all in north america standard... but definitely far enough to get out of my comfort zone.

Hmm. I wish it gets dark earlier than 11pm. I can't think properly till the sun has set.

Oh wells, the hell with it. These videos have been keeping me entertained. Best love song ever.

2011-06-30T02:05:00.004-06:00

It was sunny the whole day. We were suppose to go on a bike ride... and sure enough about 6pm it got dark and started pouring. We mourned over the loss of a potentially epic bike adventure in the lab with some intelligent conversation.

Me: This is sad.
A: I know.. it's disgusting.
B: Oh... you're sad... poor baby. Hey, why don't you have a baby yet.
Me: Me? I don't know. Why? you think I should have one?
B: Yeah, you and D can share one. (To D) Hey, you want to share a baby with her?
D: (Was talking to A) Huh? Share a baby? Sure, how? Left and right?
Me: No, the baby will be OCD clean on one side.
D: True. Who's gonna make them?
Me: Details... We'll figure it out later.
B: Oh, we'll all share it. It can be a communal baby.
A: Aww... (mock hand clap) it'd be so cute.
B: You can bring it here, there's enough of us, we'll all take care of it for a few hours.
D: (Nod) We can each pet it for a few hours.
A: ... like a cat... ?
D: Is it gonna be half asian?
Me: If it's mine of course it will be. I'm more concern about who's gonna feed it.
B: A can feed it... (grin).
Me: (To B) Haha... you're lucky she didn't hear you.
A: I can't go home in this weather. I don't even have an umbrella.
Me: Maybe instead of a baby we should have a communal umbrella...

M, a much more mature research associate in our lab finally turned towards us: You guys should really check the weather channel sometimes.

2011-06-27T21:49:00.006-06:00

Our little summer student rolled in today at noon and casually told me he can't be here on Thursday for an experiment - his father is leaving the country and they have to go on a family vacation. I asked him when is he leaving, he said, "Tuesday." "Tomorrow? And you are telling me now?" He went on to explain how it was last minute notice for him too.

There were so many holes in his story I didn't even know where to begin. I'm not the one signing his paycheck, I'm not sure how loud I should yell at him. And, we are in school, he is a student. If my boss was here he would sit him down and have a little "chat" with him, in the nicest way, a teacher kinda way, if he cared at all. I walked away and mouth to my lab mate, "What the hell?" She took the opportunity to ask me if I wanted to walk with her to another building. "Thought you might want to kick the bush a little." "No no... I'm more confused, did he seriously not see the problem with that??"

At times like this I always wonder if I was like that when I was younger. Was I that ignorant/irresponsible? Must have, at one point, did something stupid. I wonder how teachers do it. Or how my boss does it, never losing his temper. 'What would Arthur do?' I asked myself. Perhaps with time I will only appreciate him more.

2011-06-24T03:10:00.003-06:00

Looking for a place to live is tough work. Especially when you are poor. And away in another city.

Maybe this is the problem all along. Technically I found a job but I will still be poor. I'm excited about the work but not excited about my financials. Research really doesn't pay well... so this better be fun. One day it'd no longer be enough to go through the pain of scavenging for everything.

I was looking at ads online and whining about how ridiculous rental prices are when D stopped by the office. We ended up sitting in front of the comp checking out google street, discussing concrete vs. wood buildings, sharing or not sharing, road-facing balconies, utility bills etc. It was nice. He knows everything there is to know so there's no need to hold back; pet peeves, habits, realistic/non realistic worries. I know he will tell me if I'm being unreasonable or stupid, coz he is straight forward that way. I imagined if I were home dad would be having similar discussion with me, except instead of feeling like an individual navigating through a change, dad would make it sound.. too complicated/dangerous, like I'm about to slay a dragon. This is easier, for me. I'm gonna hate not to having a person to do this. Life's annoying that way.

On a separate note, I've been checking my mail box religiously, which is rather futile. Why? Coz Canada Post is actually on strike. But I still get that tad bit excited when I walk by the mail box. I get tad bit disappointed when it's empty, but then I walk away thinking I get to do the whole thing again tomorrow when I check my mail. It's the silly kind of fun and I feel like a kid. But it makes me smile.

2011-06-20T22:10:00.002-06:00

I must say, I am quite sick and tired of men with stupid egos. How in the world would a person seriously believe that he knows more about everything under the sun, or that he has more right to the truth just because he is of a specific gender? How? Do they think knowledge is determined by toilet bits? And actually act offended when they realize that is not the case. What is wrong with these ppl, and why haven't evolution took care of that yet? That aside, how do they figure they can act like both a man and a child at the same time and still want ppl to think highly of them? How?

More importantly, why are they so insecure and why do I have to deal with them? I mean, I get insecure too, but why do I have to deal with them myself and they get to make someone else deal with it? Why can't I randomly say shit when I am not even sure then act mad when I am wrong?

Because I try to not act like an idiot.

2011-06-12T14:25:00.004-06:00

Things I did yesterday:

1. Attended gay pride parade in downtown. Almost everyone from the floor showed up. It was awesome.
2. Took pics with D in all his glory.
3. Had 2 long island ice tea midday at a pub.
4. Rolled down a hill in front of legislature building.
5. Realized I've lost my phone while rolling down the hill when we were almost home.
6. Walked extra 10 blocks to a friend's place so he can drive me back to the hill.
6. Told 2 separate individuals I would share a 6-pack with them at a party later at night and forgot about it.
7. Attended cucumber party - someone will be traveling to Europe soon and decided he should have as many cucumbers as possible before he leaves.
8. Cucumber shots. Burgers. Beers.
9. Watched a friend down a bottle of beer while doing a hand stand.
10. Watched a friend trying to play ping-pong on both sides of the table.
11. Attended a minority meeting. Chair of meeting claimed such authority by straddling a men's bicycle while wearing a dress and a bike helmet.
12. Discussed who were the girls of interest for the host of the party.
13. Meeting adjourned due to insufficiently information, too much beer and general silliness.
14. Realized it was time to go by midnight before the second minority meeting begun.

2011-06-10T23:18:00.003-06:00

I need a better computer. A great computer. A powerful computer. A computer so awesome everyone who has seen it would wonder where it has been all their lives. One that is water and shock proof and light. And cheap. Why can't things be good and cheap? I am.

Seriously. I need to waste less of my life rebooting computers. Argh. Someone get me a kitten. Or a drink.

2011-06-08T18:25:00.003-06:00

It happened almost instantaneously. The moment I sent the email off, it was as if the ball was back to their court and I suddenly felt insecure. I told M, I have this nagging worry that they will suddenly decided they don't want me anyway. Or they will tell tomorrow me it's just a very elaborate, bad, joke. Or, they would say they already found someone else who can start immediately so me and my priorities can live happily after in lala land. I guess that means I really do want it.

But it feels so weird. I guess I have a job. That's what I tell ppl on the floor when they ask about it. You don't sound too excited, they'd say. It's not that, I just feel weird. Is it because it'd be a big change? No... not so much. I don't really know why... it's far enough that I'll lose all my social network here, but close enough that it's more hassle than exciting. It's like moving to another Edmonton, but without all the ppl I know. So in that sense it's more because it's not a big enough change. Maybe it's because I've been looking for almost 2 years, and then within a week it happened... and not at all at a location or a work that I expected. That didn't make sense, does it? Of course it would happen fast... I don't know, I can't tell you why everyone seemed to be more excited than me about the news. It was almost like when I graduated... the most exciting part was the anticipation. Once I was there it just felt relatively anti-climatic and I found myself asking, "Now what?" Reality is a party pooper.

2011-06-04T14:35:00.002-06:00

Alright, I kept thinking about you. Last time I felt this emotional was when I left home. I'm not sure if I've expected this.

2011-06-03T23:53:00.006-06:00

Lunch room.

D: You think she will take it?
B: Yeah, will you? *Pause* Huh, you talking to me?
D: Yes, I'm looking at you.
B: She's sitting right here... oh, you're asking me?
D: Yes, I'm asking if you think she would?
Me: This is the weirdest conversation ever.
B: I think she will.
D: I think she would too. What are we gonna do?
B: I don't know, find someone else.
D: Yes! But a guy, similar build, personality...
Me: This is still weird... and I don't like where this is going...
B: It's gonna be tough.. a guy.. actually, we don't know, she's never showed us her junk.. so maybe she's not what we think she is.
Me: What??! I can't believe you still have doubts after all these years. I have no junk.
B: Yeah... it's gonna be different.
Me: Yes, what am I gonna do without you guys.

2011-06-03T00:25:00.011-06:00

In an alternate universe we would be madly in love with each other, and this would be a love letter. It would have to be an alternate universe where you are straight, and I am in love with you in a I want to hump you kinda way. I know this sounds kinda weird, given the fact that I absolutely have no such inclination. I figured you might be able to understand it a little better if I put it in that context. I can see that happening in a different world, because I already love you to pieces. And everyone agrees you do too. Well, maybe not to pieces, but as much as you can be fond of someone of the opposite gender.

Which is why it was hard to catch you silently watching me over the lunch room table when everyone else was talking. I can almost hear the gears in your head spinning. You were thinking if I would leave and why wouldn't I. I asked what to break you out of that train of thought. Not because I really wanted to know, but because I can't bear it. You softly said nothing. Then you told me I would miss you (if I do leave). I don't think there was any room for argument there so I just nodded. It was however, my turn to quietly watch you while you resume your participation in the group conversation.

It was also hard this morning when I walked in to say hi and you told me you were thinking about me. I asked why and you said you don't know. I wanted to tell you it was because you were trying to figure it out for me. We've made it into a habit. I look things up when you were stuck too. We like to help each other out. Except in this case you realize you can't do much, and I can't solve the problem of moving on and staying at the same time. We understand that logically and rationally, there is no need solve such problem. Emotions are getting in the way, and we can logically shunt it. We have already agreed, many times, it's always hard to move.

We are family away from family in this city. I don't claim to know much but I know this is a friendship of exceptional quality. The kind that if we were in an alternative universe, we would be madly in love and ppl would write poems about us and other ppl will read them forever. All those times all of us spent posing for the million pictures you've taken over the years, now I know it's worth every second of it.

2011-05-18T00:37:00.002-06:00

[12:51:05 AM]: I just realized I'm the kind that likes to keep old letters.
[12:52:17 AM]: the sentiment of writing a letter, doesn't matter what kind, it takes effort..
[12:53:44 AM]: there is something incredibly moving about someone willing to go through all those trouble to tell you something, trivial or profound, especially when you re-read it years later and realize that the sentiment no longer exist.

I was digging through store room boxes looking for some old course notes from undergrad. I accidentally discover some old letters and read through them. When I went on skype I said this.

I wasn't sure if felt precious because 1) no body writes real letters anymore, 2)it marked a completely different time point in our lives where the sender find the need and the right to share whatever it was, with me, or 3)the realization that I actually got to hold on to something that I lost.

Probably all of the above, depending on who you are. I wonder if anyone out there kept the letters I wrote. The very few that I wrote, I wonder how I sounded as a teenager, or just pre-now. Maybe I told you about me too.

2011-04-30T02:48:00.006-06:00

I just got back from 6 hour of royal wedding watching at D's. Wasn't planning on it, but our exchange student from N.Ireland was really excited about the wedding, so I went. D had recorded it, on HD. Good small little party, I must say. Just 3 of us, hanging out, eating pizza, chilling and having ice cream. Good times. Almost made up for me having to watch the kissing clip 20 times in a day.

We were talking about tv channels. I said when I was growing up we had 3. Remember the pre-Astro years? Antennas on our roofs instead of satellite dishes? TV1 was a write off, we'd watch mandarin news and TVB series on TVdua and sometimes movies on TVTiga (~~untuk anda). There were always anti-dadah warnings and all those weird/old government stuff. Cartoon shows were interleaved with mamee or other snack commercials for kids. Those were often weird and old too. Chinese programs were scarce. My bro and I spent sunday afternoons watching indian movies, before the was such a thing as Bollywood. Remember the excitement when NTV7 came out? I still remember the "I feel good" commercials they had when they first started.

Then Astro happened and everything was history. I think someone even hosted a party in high school and we spent 3 hours watching (re-watching for almost everyone) Titanic in anticipation of less censorship. I don't remember where it was, but it was very hot - weather wise, and ppl were bbq-ing. Sometimes I don't remember how I got here, and what happened between then and now.

2011-04-26T23:23:00.004-06:00

I am not mad. I am not. I am effing pissed. A doctor told me this, so I am not being unreasonable, "Communication is part of the job". Simply put, you went to med school, so you know something I don't know. Please, enlighten me to the best of your ability, coz I care, and I have the right to know what's going on with me.

Now, bluntly put, if you are getting paid for your medical consultation, and I'm the one paying you, I should be getting some answers to my questions. They can be open ended, I am cool with that, just not some patronizing hand waving. I, being the one who didn't go to med school, shouldn't have to decode your words like I was solving a puzzle. Because if I know what you know, I don't need to pay you. So tell me something I don't already know, clearly. And damn it, it better not be exactly opposite of what google will tell me.

I would love to respect your expertise, but you keep giving me reasons not to. I don't care even if you are a genius, if you can't explain it to an 8 year-old, you shouldn't be a doctor. Pardon me for having some standards.

2011-04-25T16:59:00.005-06:00

I have been trying to figure out which internet service provider my dad should go with at home. A quick search on the internet revealed what I sort of already knew - they all suck. Not in a "someone will always complain about something" kinda way, but in a "how can this be so ridiculous but we all have to live with it" kinda way. First clue, the links on the largest provider's website didn't work 1/2 of the time. I mean, seriously? Then it said "It's a breeze to subscribe." These ppl clearly have no idea what breeze means. And all of these for the price that you have to pay?

My head hurts at times like this. Partly my heart too. It shouldn't be this difficult. Something is obviously wrong. I might have taken internet connection for granted, but M'sia should be better than this at this point. On one hand you have KLwireless, where you can actually get free internet connection when you are in downtown KL as long as you have a cell phone number. I think it's a super cool idea, but why we have something like that before we have decent basic connection is beyond me. Each time I was home for vacation I was amazed by how slow the connection can be. Pure frustration if I ever had to get anything done, cos it's like working in slo-mo. I spent hours trying to upload a file once and failed. Ended up having to remotely connect to my lab computer here to get it done.

It was painful when I was trying to get my certificate of good conduct from the Department of Foreign Affairs too. Each time I call them someone would tell me something different that did not align with their website. It was like I was checking their work. After consulting her supervisor and putting me on the phone numerous times, the lady actually told me she didn't really know what's online, I should just run over to PutraJaya because it's easier that way. She meant easier for her, I think. I didn't, because there's no guarantee whatever she told me is true at that point (it probably would have been easier, but I was pissed). So I ran through the trouble to get my photocopies certified. The lady told me I could get that done with a lawyer, together where I have to get a signature from the commissioner for oaths. The clerk at the lawyer firm asked me why would I want to get copies certified there, to get 6 copies I will have to pay close to 100 bucks (damn lawyers). If I go to the government department it's 10 bucks. When I arrived at the lembaga hasil for "stamping", the guy at the front desk told me the stamping office is close. If I had not stayed for another 5 minutes asking about their working hours, I would not have ran into this lady who asked me what I wanted and then telling me that the office that sells stamps was close, but I can get my documents certified by her supervisor. At that moment I realized he must have thought stamping is the act of selling stamps. When I wanted to pay the lady told me it's free.

Ppl are nice and helpful if you are willing to listen, but hell, it was a lot of listening for something so simple. While part of me like this kind of haphazard, anything can go adventures, a country really shouldn't be operating like this. Too much time is wasted on chasing around... things. It really isn't too much to ask for some sort of standard, we deserve it. I sometimes wonder if we collectively as a nation realize that we deserve better, coz nothing will change if we don't actually believe that.

2011-04-24T22:39:00.002-06:00

People like to joke that D and I are like a couple. No one officially told me that joke, but I know it's been mentioned because he has joked about it numerous times. I could see why, we are good friends, and we always show up together at events because we are both chronically single. We tell each other stuff and help out each other, like friends do. We started on the floor at the same time. We're both foreign, with our families away.

Obviously we are not a couple because he's gay, and unlike what someone suspected, I am not secretly in love with him. I love him like how I love the friends that I trust. It's essentially the dynamic between a girl and a gay guy, only you can't tell he's gay immediately so it's less obvious. And I'm not a girly girl so we don't go shopping together or what not like you see on teevee. He was joking to a friend about how we should be a couple today, because we never fought (it's not true). The friend replied it's because we don't sleep together. It cracked me up. He's probably right.

2011-04-24T02:40:00.004-06:00

I watched 127 hours when I was on the plane 2 months ago. Did I already tell you it's a bad idea to eat and watch that movie? It was, I had to turn away at times.

The guys asked me why would I choose to watch such a movie. I don't know, it's intriguing, I can't imagine how it would be to cut off my own arm, so I watch a movie about it. Curious, I guess. He survived, it's a happy story, so why not. It puzzled me that these zombie/horror movie buffs will find that too painful to watch.

Anyway, it wasn't those scenes I remembered from the movie. It was what he said when he was delirious and he suddenly thought to himself that he had chosen the rock. It was all his own doing. He didn't tell anyone where he went, he was a loner who needed no one. Every moment of his life built up to this moment. And he got exactly what he asked for, he was completely alone, stuck with a rock that had been waiting for him all his life.

Something along those lines.

I thought about D telling me that me that I am a loner the other day. I don't remember the context, but I protested. He said it was a compliment. I remembered someone said she used to think that strong meant not needing anyone. Then she learned that it meant not afraid of feeling vulnerable.

I don't have anything to add. These are just things that I heard and remembered.

2011-04-20T02:47:00.004-06:00

I don't really know how other ppl work. More specifically, I don't know how other ppl can chat and work. To me, that's like trying to have 2 conversations at the same time. No dice on either one being of good quality.

Makes me wonder about office etiquette. Can you just ignore other ppl when you don't want to talk? To me that's completely reasonable. If I could put up a sign that says "leave me alone" that would be even better. Because ideally, I would like to be in isolation with no phones. I will talk to you if I need to, else, do not attempt to start a conversation, share anything interesting, or tell me about the latest tv episodes. I am not in the mood for entertaining you, I am in the mood to get shit done.

I know that sounds selfish/mean. But I don't really know any other way. I am tunnel-visioned when I really work, how else would I miss a flight when I was 2-hour early at the airport? Ppl think I am stressed out, which I can be when a deadline is involved but most of the time I'm just in my head. I hate being forced out of it... it's a maze in there and I might not get back to where I was. I've always been weird, don't tell me you find that surprising.

2011-04-17T23:50:00.005-06:00

I didn't remember 1/2 the things I typed in the previous post. Before I went to bed I wonder how long I would sleep. 12 hours. Not very impressive, though when I woke up I was starting to feel pretty good about myself. If I can pull that off and sleep only 12 hours... Then I remembered, I actually fell asleep on the toilet when I was getting ready for bed. And when I went to get groceries later that day I forgot my credit card at the cashier. The staff yelled my name and chased after me on the street.

Yeah, too old for this sh..kinda all nighter.

I think I had a dream. She questioned me why I never called. I said you changed your number on me, remember? after you told me it's pointless staying in school forever. That same number I called since I was a child didn't exist after that. Oh, I thought you had my new one. No, I didn't, how would I know?

She looked like she really cared. Sometimes I think maybe she really did, until she didn't.

2011-04-16T00:40:00.002-06:00

I've been up for... 40 hours. It was 36 hours of working until the last 4 hours. It was chilling with the ppl from the lab and having drinks. Terrible idea, you would think, if you have been consuming only caffeine drinks. But after that many hours of working you really don't care. Let it burn a hole, I needed a drink.

I think at about 30 hour time point was the first time I cried because I was too tired. It's weird. It wasn't because I was sad or mad, I was just tired. It came out of nowhere. Everyone in the lab knew I have been working non-stop and all wanted to help. I told them it's alright and then suddenly I felt this urge to cry. And tears came out like I was cutting onions. Startling, almost. I got myself to stay focused on the paper so I don't just start bawling. It went away almost as fast as it came.

The first month of 30 has been tough on me. Currently I have 2 black toe nails and one finger nail that is half falling off due to a door accident. Then it was the stupid IELTS. Then work.. a week like this hasn't happened for a long time. I was going by 6 hour sleep each night until last night... I was already on a tight schedule but each day I went in the boss wanted something to be done immediately. Yesterday he got me into his office and said we will start doing some contract research in the next while. I will be quite involved. I should look at the hours allocated for projects proposed for the next 8 month and see if they were realistic. Pages of project description, timeline and hours for everyone. No goals. When should I get back to him? The next hour, because he has a deadline tonight. I looked at the documents, it was prepared a month ago. It sucks to be at the bottom of the procastinating chain. I didn't end up working on the paper as I would/should have. Hence now I feel like a zombie. So effing tired.

2011-04-10T22:08:00.002-06:00

Sometimes I feel like I wanted to punch something. It's alright if it's frustrating, I can handle that. What I can't handle is that I seem to be the only one being frustrated, and it made me feel crazy. Am I over-reacting? Why do I get reactions from some that implied I am expecting too much? I don't know, to me it's a simple but fundamental question to understanding anything - why? Does it not deserve an answer?

Doctors are not god. They know more about diseases like a car mechanic knows more about car. There are good and bad mechanics. If you bring your car to a mechanic, he told you he fixed it but he can't explain how, would you actually be ok with that, pay him and walk away hoping the car will work? No way in hell, you would demand an explanation. Sure, we don't know everything about the human body yet, so doctors get more leeway, but that doesn't mean they don't need to try. If anything they should try harder because while you can replace a car, you can't replace a life.

So I don't understand why some would say "Oh, but what do you expect?" Well, I expect more. The more trust patients have on you, the more you have to be careful. It's call ethics. It's mandatory when you are a doctor, it's not an option. It's not OK to make up excuses for them. Damn it, you shouldn't have to be his son or the prime minister to get health care, and by health care I don't mean dispensing drugs. Anyone can do that, drug dealers do that without care. I mean health care. Don't tell me it's OK that we don't deserve that.

2011-04-05T23:07:00.004-06:00

I am tired. Genuinely so. I wanted to go the gym today, made it all the way to the locker room then realized I don't have a shirt to change into. My buddy gave me an aww when I walked back to the lab sans work out. Tomorrow I said, tomorrow will be a better day.

I am also confused. When I was sitting in my bathtub I became rather confused by my state of confusion. It's because you are not enlightened, you are supposed to be confused, I somehow murmured. So the enlightened ones never ask for answers? Perhaps the perspective is quite different when you are enlightened, maybe answers don't matter at that point. Ok, I can live with that, if I am suppose to be confused, because I am, constantly. It makes me feel better. Maybe that's why I hang out with D, he's often confused too, he thought C++ is a bra size. So adorable.

And apparently, I am one big confusion myself. Did I tell you they were trying to figure me out the other day? After the ski trip they asked if Karen and I were dating. No, I said, why? They described the deduction process, with the conclusion that I fit the profile... 30, single, no intention to get a bf. I was amused and teased them about the amount of time they spent discussing it. D said of course they did, it's his job. It cracked me up, yes, of course, you gay ambassador. And the whole thing came up because I was telling them about this lady who thought I was an 18 year old boy. I'm just one big question mark, Guess should hire me as a spoke person.

Most importantly though, I am genuinely grateful, for the ppl around me who help to make things less confusing.

2011-04-03T02:03:00.003-06:00

Ever get so tired that thoughts just run around in circles in your head? You keep thinking about something and then losing it the next second. Then remembering it again but loses it at the exact same stage you lost it before so you never go anywhere. Basically you can't keep a coherent thought for more than 2 seconds.

Sometimes I act that out in the supermarket. Pre-dinner shopping after pulling an all-nighter. Terrible idea but my brain is usually too tired to recognize that. So I ended up circling the aisles, because each time I turn a corner I can't remember what I wanted to buy. Or I get distracted, thought of something else before I got to the item and walked away. Usually by then I can't make decisions very well either, everything seems appealing and unnecessary at the same time. An hour later I walk out with 4 bananas - that's my weekly consumption of bananas, only thing I know is right.

And then there are all the random thoughts. I walked by the convenient store last week under such zombie like conditions and suddenly decided I will buy a lottery ticket. The owner gave me a weird look when I asked if they sell them, coz the lottery stand was right next to me. Took me forever to read+understand the instructions. When I went up to the teller he was sufficiently suspicious that he asked for my ID. I didn't understand why so I blinked. He asked again. So I handed him the dollar bill. We stared at each other for a few more seconds. Finally I realized it's the same rule as the liquor store - you can't buy if you are below 18. I am not... although I seem to be the only person who knows that.

I need to sleep, like, pronto. I was thinking about that right before I started typing. I am rather certain that I write better drunk than sleep deprived. I think that was why I started. Alright, bed time. (You get how it works now?)

2011-04-02T00:14:00.006-06:00

We would have the cutest babies ever. You and I. And they would grow up to be geniuses, you know they will.

You know it's true, you've seen my baby pictures. No other babies I know have such perfectly shaped head. I have never seen yours but I had stared at you when you fell asleep once and imagined you bald, without teeth and ear hair. It made me smile. That snore would sound really cute on a baby.

They won't grow up to be cute, just like us. They will also be flat chested like us, although your third cousin gave us a glimmer of hope. It's all right though, because they will be super smart, just like how you were before you started drinking, and one of them will become a plastic surgeon. If we have a boy he will become a mathematician, because most geniuses on tv are mathematicians. They are also often crazy, which means no one can really tell when he is high at work. When they are all grown up we will tell them only one of them is adopted, but we don't remember who because we love them all the same. But if any two of them are attracted to each other, it is probably worth checking it out.

We would have had a beautiful family, you and I.

2011-03-26T03:38:00.004-06:00

There is a part of me that wants to make other people understand. It is more than the usual me not being able to let go. It's the nature of this kind of slow-burning ache, those that creeps up on you from time to time, until you get used to it. And then, you know you are no longer the same person.

You can't be, because you are essentially missing a part of yourself. The extended part that understood every reference, every nuance that accompany that slightest raise in eyebrow or change in tone. The sarcasm that hides behind that smirk. That part that knew you better than yourself. It's the closest one can ever have to an identical twin. Words were nice accessories for special occasions, to reassure you about the things you always knew. You can't be, because to get away from all that, you can only change.

It's the kind of confusion and desperation that suddenly, even after exhausting every possible word, you can no longer be understood. Nothing can be salvaged. It's that kind of betrayal that you are suddenly left to face the world alone, holding buckets full of disappointments rooting from the most innocent years of your life. And after a long long time, when you were finally convinced that you can pretend you have always been alone, it's the kind of self-loathing you feel when you realized you still dream about it, on special occasions.

It's like an emotional arthritis and it's annoying as hell. (You wouldn't come to my bday party in my dream. What the hell was that?) The kind of annoyance that resonate with sentences like "..with pain in my chest I still wish you the best with a " (and only that sentence), and the fact that I still care to write about it.

It's a cover, but she said it with such conviction. And she's good. If time machine existed, she's the kind of person I would ask to tell the young me who, in the most unexpected way, would teach me how a heart break feels. And I would need this kind conviction one day.

2011-03-13T20:25:00.006-06:00

Hey, we have something to show you.
What?
You ready?
Yeah.... though I am starting to think it's a bad idea....
It's awesome. Look!
Guys!*laughs all around for the next 30 secs or so* My goodness, you were serious when you said you went to get thongs.
Of course, isn't it awesome? Only mine is a thong, his is just a laced panty... Yeah, they said a thong will be too small for me, so I got this one, it covers the cheeks, see?
Doesn't matter, it's both pink... alright, alright, that's low enough. Very nice, what did the nurses said?
They were laughing so hard. They were all old though, no young cute ones.
Bet you guys are their favourite butt models now.
Hah. You know you like it too... Think we can still return these?
No... and No! That's gross.
Only wore it for like 1/2 day... Oh where's Ally? Let's show her.
Stop taking your clothes off in my lab! Oh, Michel, close your eyes, you don't want to see this.
*Mix of groan and shriek*...

Just another day at work. Laughing seemed extra precious knowing that that's a luxury for many, and we could easily have our roles switched.

2011-03-06T00:30:00.003-07:00

I've been out 2 nights straight. We went out skiing last night 5-9pm. Dinner started at 10pm. Got home close to midnight. Today is indian food at an indian colleague's house. They made everything from scratch, paneer, chutney etc. I figured if that much effort went into it I better eat lots. So much so that his wife told me I can stay over and keep on eating if I wanted. I wasn't sure if she was joking or being sarcastic. Didn't matter, it was fantastic.

Another colleague just broke up with her bf. She looked heart broken. Asked if I wanted to go x-country skiing with her tomorrow. I really wanted to, just to keep her company, but I really should be working. Told her if she ever need a drinking buddy though, she can call me. I thought that's a pretty reasonable offer, but she said I am a bad influence. Guess that's not the first thing ppl think of when they are upset. I tried. Just because I can't be there for you the way you want it doesn't mean I am not there for you. ;)

Anyway, let's carry on with the happy ass sweet songs, coz that's the theme these days. I meant that in the best possible way. You know it's true coz it's RY.

2011-03-04T00:32:00.003-07:00

Let's do this again. Because I am in the mood of being corny and partly because I am so so happy for this buddy of mine. I don't know why, I just am, it might be part of the corny thing. Alright, I also had lots of beer today, but it has nothing to do with this.

It's cute right? Nauseatingly so, in a good way. ;) If you know what I mean.

2011-03-03T00:55:00.004-07:00

While I am whining about the weather something warm is happening over the other side of the world. It's a happy day.

It's not for me, but once in a while it's not about me here. :) Congrats, I'm hoping they (or you guys, if you know who you are) can sing something that nauseatingly sweet to each other for a long long time. Unfortunately the official video is unbelievably lame. It's kinda old school, but I don't know that many happy songs and he has a nice voice... you know what I mean.

2011-03-02T10:10:00.002-07:00

I am adapting to my canadian life. Does that sound weird? I don't know, but I am, and I am not referring to the time zone.

There was the feeling of being overwhelmed by attention when I was home - my goodness, there were mom, dad and bro by default, and some friends. They don't laugh at my random bruises like I do. Suddenly I don't just generally matter, you know, like everything matters, I matter more, if not a lot. One thing or another, something about me always seem to worry someone. I am not just me, I am someone's somebody and they take me quite seriously. The reminder unnerves me. And yes, probably stressed me out a little too. I can't differentiate if the concerns originated from their lack of confidence in my ability to live an independent life, or out of care. As if by weighing into some other roles, I lost some of that feeling of individuality. I wasn't sure how to handle myself that way.

Then I am back here. -30C and I thought, damn this apartment feels quiet. First day back to work my buddy told me I looked happy and jokingly asked if I were happy to be back, or happy to have been home. Both, I said. There was the lingering feeling of home is missing. One day I even mumbled to myself and said why don't I just pack up and go home, seriously. I can do everything myself now. That is one of those 1/2 empty 1/2 full statement. It's all me. Suddenly I am overwhelmed by the amount of things I have to take care of. I am not organized enough for all these. On top of it there was the lingering uncertainty of everything. I felt like I am in between of everything. Jobs, decades, bosses, homes, family, friends, time zones, tax seasons, bank accounts, countries, meals. Nothing feels just right. The grounding wire is missing from my circuit.

2011-02-21T07:05:00.002-07:00

Another early day. Slept at 7pm and woke up at 5am. Totally skipped dinner. I was tired, I have no other excuses. Was working the whole day yesterday trying to get ready for a meeting this week. I sometimes don't know why I agreed to take on a contract work on making research apps. Good thing today is a holiday.

Think I might try to work at home today, so I don't risk looking rather neurotic talking to myself as I try to figure stuff out. When I was home a friend told me not to talk to myself and it made me smiled. She said it in a "I know you are weird but not everyone thinks that is ok" kinda way. At least that's how I perceived it, she probably just meant to tell me "don't be a freak". I don't really care either way, but I did like the comment.

I felt out of place, that's all. I always feel like I was being baby-sat when I go home and it makes me feel uneasy. This is a whole other topic perhaps for another time, because it's time for breakfast.

2011-02-20T07:51:00.006-07:00

I fell asleep in the bathtub last night as hot water was filling up. Didn't even get to read a single page before that. Went to bed at 10pm, woke up at 6am. This is me in jet lagged mode. Pathetic, I know.

I dreamt about my high school friends back home. We were hanging out. Secretly I knew we won't be doing that if it wasn't for the fact that I visit once a year. We were about to go somewhere and somehow I forgot numerous things and was the last to get down. I was in an elevator with a stranger. The elevator kept going and never stopped. I started to panic. I asked my fellow passenger what's wrong and sheepishly told her I don't like it when elevators don't stop - it's one of my reoccurring nightmares. She seemed sympathetic. We waited while I kept pushing the "open" button. Then, suddenly the elevator was traveling on ground, like a train. My fellow passenger said, "Oh, it sometimes goes horizontal too. It's probably coz you pushed the 'left and right' button". Took me a moment to realize what I thought was the "open" button is a "left and right" button. I calmed down and said it's always better when you can see where you are going. I heard voices and I looked back, my buddies were sitting behind me, chatting. I said hi, didn't know you guys were here all these while. I was somehow now placed in a normal train.

That's all I remembered. But it's definitely a nice version of the elevator dream I used to have. I've never had a fellow passenger before this. Definitely have never been able to see outside of where the thing was going. Never calmed down, the dream usually stop when I panicked. My favourite part is the "horizontal" button. Taking too much MTR in HK has probably inspired the all this. Cute though.

2011-02-19T14:45:00.005-07:00

Hey, the last one was from Vancouver airport too, on my way out. Now I am on my way in. Spent 2 days in HK. Chilling with bro was fun. It was 14C there, which can't be considered cold by Edmonton standard but without indoor heating you never actually warm up, so it actually felt very cold. I slept in my bro's room the second night because the living room was too chilly. We reminisced about the times when we used to sleep in the same room as kids. I sometimes worry one of us might eventually forget all about it.

Weather report is telling me that it's -30 weather in Edmonton. I watched 3.5 movie on the flight from HK to Vancouver. One should not watch 127 while eating. I can't think very well now - the StarBucks guy asked if I wanted mild or dark blend just now and I was only capable of blinking. My hair feels greasy. I left at 4pm Saturday HK time and after 10 hours I am at 12pm Sat Vancouver time. Something like that.

Work will be hectic the next while. A wedding to attend this weekend too with open door ceremony and all that jazz. My mailbox is gonna be full. There will be no food in the fridge. I just want to sit in my bath tub. And sleep. I wonder if it will be any easier if I were rich... can't see how, but maybe it's because I don't know how to think like a rich person. I better go sit at the gate so I don't miss the flight.

2011-01-30T00:33:00.006-07:00

I am at Vancouver airport. I am sitting at the boarding area and am a little bit delirious. The flight has been delayed for 40 minutes and it won't take off till 3 hours later. I was suppose to wait in this airport for 5 hours, but the flight from Edmonton was delayed for about 2 hours, including one hour of in cabin sitting/idle time. There is a one hour difference between Edmonton and Vancouver. I won't be surprised if I somehow missed this flight because I am quite confused. There is a big screen tee vee in front of me. The weather lady is pretty. As I was eating my Chubby Chicken Burger (at midnight) I felt like I should know this city better than I do, I've visited... 4 times? Never stuck. Asians and Chinese characters everywhere and for whatever reason it feels eerily foreign. Like.. it looks familiar but it's actually very different... which is sometimes more freaky than just different, different. You know, like how aliens can be less scary than ghosts because you sort of expect them to be different... This is apparently the logic of my brain right now.

Someone is on a ski trip so I have no one to text my trivial travel observations. Like how the Vancouver weather lady is hotter than the Edmonton weather lady, how unfair - we are already colder. Like how I haven't cut my hair in 4 months and the air hostess still asked, "Sir, would you like an ear set?" Like how icewine is on sale and I can't buy them because I can't carry them on the plane. (Terrorism hurts everyone). And someone sitting across from me is wearing the same kinda socks. I was so proud of not falling yet this winter until I slipped outside of my apartment building this morning. So close... now so bruised. I had planned to get some work done during airport time... but the area is relatively empty and I am tempted to be one of those ppl who sleeps on seats. Cabin sitting time is significantly less productive than airport sitting time. Then no one would be watching my backpack or wake me up when it's time to go. I would love to have some satay, char koey teow, fishball and curry laksa. I miss my pillow. How am I going to stay sane without 1. coffee & 2. internet? I am only partially conscious. I miss you. You don't even know how much because you never took my call.

2011-01-16T05:19:00.003-07:00

I have now realized that the best music for work is dance pop. Electropop. Eurotrans. Anything with a nice beat to get you pumped. The fact that the lyrics doesn't mean anything to you, or anyone, for that matter, is a nice bonus.

I have had Cascada on repeat for a few days now. I am amused when I find myself mumbling "I am not your enemy". I think of the music I listen to when I was in high school. So sentimental. I was reading some free local newspaper at the cafe, some music critic wrote about an album and said, ".. it would remind you of the adolescence years, where the freshness of every new experience produces an overwhelming emotion." I wonder if that was it.

2011-01-15T16:08:00.003-07:00

I need this apartment to be 5 degrees warmer. It's snowing again outside and -23. With windchill it's -30. It's been like this for weeks. Why. Does. It. Have. To. Be. So. Cold?? The only real Canadian in the lab non-chalantly told me it's because we have what is technically called the "subartic" weather system. Great. Is it suppose to make me feel better that at least we are not in the North Pole?? Do I look like a sub-polar bear? Alright. Well, next time I see someone religious I will ask them what is the reason subartic weather system was created, or winter in general. EXPLAIN.

The good thing about Edmonton is that we usually still get a lot of sunshine in winter season. Not this year though, it's overcast/cloudy and sad most of the time, which makes it even colder. Well, at least it's not a major disaster considering what is going on in other places. But if you ever wonder why silly angmos shriek at the sight of the sun and can't wait to take off their clothes to maximize on sun exposure and warmth, this is it. Six months of freaking winter and 1.5kg of clothings can make you a little crazy.

2011-01-09T23:40:00.003-07:00

Dad asked if this thing called facebook is replacing emails. I said no, not completely, but it sure is popular.

I wish I have more ppl writing me emails (an abrupt switch, I realize, but this is not suppose to be art). Even if they are just one liners... at least I know they were saying it to me. I know you can do that too when you write on someone's wall, but personally, I like it better when it's private... because it's specific, it has the element of saying, "I wanted to tell you this." instead of "I needed to tell someone this, whoever you are." Even private messages from fb feels different than an email.

I can understand the fun in sharing, and I definitely found long lost friends that I wouldn't have found if it weren't for FB. I just felt over-shared most of the time, if that makes sense. FB makes me feel like I am constantly bombarded with public announcements of all sorts - as much as I care, it can be too much. It's like we are constantly hanging out as a group, you and your friends and your friend's friends, 24/7. What annoys me the most is that I kept signing in trying to look for something I might want to know and ended up feeling... needy, like an obsessed partner needing to know all of your most trivial thoughts and actions.

Anywho. Maybe I am out of date, but emails are just nice to receive. Like letters in the good old times, with envelopes and all. It's like opening a present. Sometimes the excitement begins when you recognize the familiar hand writing on the envelope and just can't wait to read it. At least I know not to wish for those anymore.

2011-01-09T01:50:00.003-07:00

Ah. I have to remember to drink lots of water before I go to bed. Road conditions are crazy outside. My lab mate was having a ping pong party and D came to pick me up. Almost got stuck on our way back. It was a good party, no polish singing to make us feel like foreigners and quite a few of us from work showed up. Made me wish I was still in a bigger apartment where I can host parties.. even if it was just once a year. Those were good times...

I'm a little bit slow to catch up on this.

Listening to these guys made me thought of 靡靡之音, in a good way. (I never figured out what that meant, it just felt that way. They sound fun and trippy at the same time.

2011-01-08T02:28:00.006-07:00

I hate to sound weak, but natural flavoured yogurt is gross. It smells like puke, and taste a little bit like it too... Great for cooking though. Really. My curry had the right amount of sourness and none of the puki-ness... Tasty. I am quite proud of my ability to follow instructions labeled at the back of the curry paste package.

Snowing non-stop for a day now. Everything is covered in snow. A white rabbit is running across the parking lot in front of the hospital as I am typing this. It is suppose to continue for another day. Of all the years I've been here the weather has never stopped school or work. -30 means you should wear more layers, and cover up as much as possible. Handle yourself, cold is not an excuse.

I am procrastinating my cheese test, which is of course, the award winning technique for mice tracking. Someone has commented on it being quite "random", I don't know why coz to me it makes perfect sense. A piece of cheese, unconditionally lying on the floor - if it disappeared the next day you either have a mouse or a hungry ghost who really likes cheese. It's a free world, you can believe in either one of those. Unless you have pets, then obviously you don't feed them enough. For me it's just those 2 options. I don't think I can handle it if the test result is positive. Seriously, what else can I do? What other holes do I have to stuck my hands into to stop this? What kind of mouse traps specialize in catching the really smart ones? I think I am starting to understand the power of religion and faith. Or a cat. (I get you now, Egyptians).

2011-01-07T02:42:00.005-07:00

I told my friend I am sorry I didn't make it to her dinner party over the break, I was away and only got back from Calgary on the 1st. She paused for a long moment and asked if I saw anything on the way back. No, I took the bus, they dimmed the lights when the movie started playing so I was asleep most of the way. Why? She told me a friend of hers was driving back with friends on the same day, the car skidded because of icy conditions and crashed. He didn't make it. The other 3 were injured. He was on the back seat with his girl friend, both didn't have their seat belts on.

I can't help but wonder if it would have made a difference if he had his seat belt on. There's no rule when it comes to accidents. I thought of K driving back by herself after I left. I was already feeling guilty about that and at that moment even worse. I don't think there is any rationale in that - it won't make a difference if anything happened. I thought about the text she sent me when she got home, protesting Katy Perry being played on the radio every hour and mentioning multiple cars in the ditch. It might sound very selfish of me, but I was suddenly so, so grateful for that text.

And for everyone of you, please put on your seat belts. Remind everyone in your car to put in on. It is usually worth it.

2011-01-04T23:50:00.002-07:00

My travel agent told me she can't help me if they ran out of seat if I don't book my tickets soon for CNY. Well, it wouldn't be that complicated if I have not been told to avoid being on the same plane as my other, only sibling. Apparently one overnight stay in HK is mandatory and the earliest I can take off is 2 days before said sibling takes off. You would think the dominating factor for travel arrangement would be work.

2011-01-03T16:22:00.010-07:00

At times it felt too private. Sometimes it just sound too mundane and trivial. It's like writing about how I ran out of food in the fridge again. Does it suck? Yes. Does that make me wish it wasn't that way? Yes. Do I have to tell you about it each time it happens? No. Can I do it anyway because I want to? Sure... this is first and foremost personal ramblings anyway, but I can try to be considerate. Like you won't tell me when you are constipated, right? That's being considerate and I thank you for that. Is this getting weird? Yes, so I will stop. I mean, anyone out there above 15 have more heart breaks than I do, right? Mine is just more traumatic because it's mine.

It does feel kind of pointless.. as if I'm finally at a phase where this is no longer appropriate. I likely will never be creative enough to make this into an art project that tells you how life is awesome. And I will never be secure enough to tell you my deepest darkest secret. Nor have I nauseating sweet/epic sad love stories to share with you. You might be able to witness the journey to me finding a job, hopefully before your grandchildren get married.

All I am saying is that this is just a scrap book. The only reason to do it is so that I get to look back. I seem to be a big fan of that, for whatever reason. Perhaps it was the fact that I often surprise myself when I do... and that's intriguing in its own way. Things that we don't remember. (It's always nice to be reminded of how much an idiot I was and still can be.) Plus fundamentally, I am still very bad at letting things go, old habits and all that.

Happy new year. Chances are you are growing into a new decade too. As the boss man said, time to have fun. I say we start with a happy song.

2010-12-26T22:36:00.003-07:00

Sigh. Seriously, if you have a sister who is frustrated with job hunting and you have decided to send one email, and one email only to her during xmas, would you really email her an article titled, "The disposable academic: why doing a phd is a waste of time" with an email title "interesting article"? Really? Like really? Do we have to be reintroduced? Hi, I am LS, you must be AH?

I have no idea what was the intention but I am 70% annoyed, 20% amused and 10% curious. It might have been much funnier if joking instead of arguing was all we were doing last few times we talked. Seriously, why is he being so... I don't even know the word. I would have said insensitive but he has always been more sensitive than me. So I can't really comprehend. It reminds me of the twitter turned show "Sh#t my dad says". It is slightly funny in a "What??" kinda way. You know, the same kind of funny when someone said to another person's face that his haircut was ugly. Then the same kind of annoyance that begs the question, "What is your problem?"

Goodness. Happy holidays to you too. Someone find that man a gf or another job and hopefully he'd become reasonable again. Else one of these days day I won't be able to stop myself from saying he needs to get laid, just to return the favour.

2010-12-04T17:27:00.006-07:00

"Funny thing about decisions. You don't have to talk yourself into making the right one."

Funny thing about watching TV, you can always find something that works for whatever dilemma you are experiencing at the time. Sort of like listening to love songs after a break-up. At least that's what I was told about love songs.

I was rodent proving my apartment while I heard that on TV - plugging holes around the heating vents with steel wool. Which is a lot of fun by the way, sticking your fingers into dark holes that promise mice droppings and all that good stuff. I don't know why the whole world don't jump at doing something like that.

Anyway, as wise as it sounds, I don't know if I can trust a decision if it hasn't been over analyzed. I was not brought up to be spontaneous, nor am I one that has so much confidence with her own instinct that she is willing to risk reasoning, despite the fact that over the years I've learn to give it a lot more weight in decision making. Retrospectively they always make sense. Maybe it's like trouble shooting during an experiment - the experienced ones can always spot it right away, the less experienced ones know 'something's not right', the newbies can't really tell what's going on. You get better eventually.

I told the guys it might boil down to how much they are willing to pay me for this job. It's not a job I would actively pursue, but it somehow found its way to me. I said no one year ago but it came back again. I candidly said it's like having a very persistent rich guy, whom you don't care much for, proposing to you at a point you are tired of waiting for your one true love to reciprocate. There's no right and wrong answer, just what you want to get out of it. Are you taking advantage of a new opportunity, or are you giving up?

If I can have one wish before the big 3 (yes, how dramatic) it is the ability to see myself clearly. And not have to look at a mouse hopelessly as it froze and stared back at me when I wasn't even awake enough to open my eyes properly.

2010-11-13T23:30:00.002-07:00

This might or might not be the lamest conference, off conference experience wise. First of all, we are at San Deigo, California and we are not even staying downtown. The conference is downtown, everything is downtown, but we are not there. Second of all, it's 10pm and everyone I am staying with is in bed. They talked about taking turns to cook dinner every night that we are in town.

I think it's an awesome idea if we were real roomates, those long term ones you live with everyday. I'm not a party monster but when you go from 0 degrees Edmonton to 20 degrees San Diego, would you really just want to stay indoors and cook what you would eat at home the rest of the year as oppose to:

1. Explore the city
2. Try different cuisine
3. Go out in town and do something for goodness sake!

I'm not a party monster but even I can't take it. I always thought the boys party too hard, staying uptil 2am or so.. but the alternative is so much more painful. I am at a new city and I am bored! Like crazy want to pull out my hair bored. At 10pm. So I get online. If I planned to do this I should just stay at home at least I don't have to pay for internet. It's like going on a family vacation but with strangers.

Maybe it's different mentality. This colleage I am staying with scream tired but got online to talk to bfs for another hour or so. I asked another guy why didn't he stay longer to just go around the city. He told me he would if his wife came with him - it's just no fun without her. I genuinely am not sure if I envy or despise that. I listen to my colleague's conversation with her bf and I suddenly understood why ppl would think married life is boring. They really have very unexciting conversations. Things you would never call your friends up to talk about because it's so ridiculously trivial.

I think I'm gonna go to the gym. Or something. This trip is driving me crazy. Can't even watch TV coz everyone is sleeping.

2010-11-09T21:38:00.004-07:00

Has been sick. Nuff said.

Ever decided on something and then midway you thought, "Hmm.. I obviously didn't think that through." Well, that is sort of how I feel right now about my life, in general... except I'm not really responsible for starting this life. So, what's the master plan now?

I wish I had one. Perhaps it is the result of a fundamental character flaw, the lack of foresight. But am I seriously expected to know what I want out of this? I know how to plan an experiment when I know what are the goals, even then we almost always get it wrong the first time. Something always go wrong, something else always happen. You only start to know what to expect after a few runs. So how do I plan this when I don't know what is the ultimate goal, and what to expect? Do you see why I might be puzzled?

I didn't really quite plan on getting to where I am today. To be honest I don't think I have much expectations growing up. No typical yearning for finding prince charming, no instinctive urge to have a family... nothing against it, I just never felt strongly for it (I have no idea why). Only thing that I sort of aimed for was "to be a useful human being"... and I really don't know what that means. Whoever taught me that really should have been more specific, not everyone can be superman.

It felt as if it has just started - I am just starting to know myself. The more I know the more I don't know. There is so much to learn, so many possibilities yet just as many limitations of where this can go. Strangely enough at the same time I felt as if I should have a plan by now, like I already have it all figured out. What's the solution if the brain can't quite understand itself? Perhaps all the right clues leading to the right answers are already there, it just refuses to process it. I wonder if it would all make sense one day.

We should really, meet over a bottle of good tequila, and talk about our hopes and dreams or the lack of it. Share stories of ppl who have let us down, ppl who made us held on to some faith, and laugh over the many ridiculous moments when we made a fool of ourselves. If we never figure it out at least we had a good time joking about it.

2010-10-30T00:52:00.004-06:00

This is neat. You guys know my friend Karen, right? The one I knew from first year undergrad, the one who would always give me 1/2 an apple when I didn't have lunch. She gave me her old desk when I needed furniture in second year, with batman stickers on it and all. Her parents invited me out for dinner when I graduated, both times. Basically she is the kind of person that makes me believe that genuinely kind people exist, because why else would you befriend a weird foreigner who always take 1/2 of your apple at lunch.

There was this old couple that I met at Vancouver Airport on my way back from the interview. From the moment I heard them talk I knew they were M'sian. You can't go wrong with that M'sian Mandarin accent. We started chatting when they saw my passport. We sat together on the plane and they told me they graduated from NTU many years ago, before it was shut down. I mentioned a couple of my dad's friends who attended NTU and they knew all of them. We exchanged contact and said we would keep in touch.

I sent them an email earlier this week just to say hi. They emailed me back and invited me for dinner tonight. They told me they are meeting with another NTU graduate who will move to Vancouver soon. I thought it'd be cool to meet another fellow M'sian so I went. The last guest to arrive was someone from HK, they told me. Next thing I know, Karen's dad showed up at the door. Turns out they knew each other. They called Karen up and she came over for dinner as well. We laughed about it and later I found out the other NTU graduate was classmate with our high school head master. Apparently there used to be a whole bunch of them from NTU in Edmonton back then. Those were the times when chinese high school graduates would further their studies at NTU, but still ended up with a university education that wasn't recognized in S'pore or M'sia. So those who were able to go overseas, went. Karen's dad Taiwan university education wasn't recognized in HK, so he left too. Not unsimilar to those of us who left home after high school. I'm sure they had it harder than us back in those days tho. In a way it was almost weird that I related better to Karen's parents generation than Karen in terms of those experience. I now know why they all wanted to feed me. And I happen to be lucky enough to meet a very sweet kid back in my first days here. For that, I am eternally grateful.

I didn't get the job, but it sure ended up to be a very fruitful trip.

2010-10-29T00:41:00.007-06:00

It wasn't as if I wasn't having fun. That was my crowd, I knew all the inside jokes and can sense an inappropriate innuendo coming a mile away as soon as someone dropped a word. The knowing looks, sarcasm, even things that everyone would make fun of about everyone behind their backs, it was all in place. I smirked when names and events from all those years ago, when we first met were mentioned. I laughed like how I would when I am having a good time with good company. It doesn't get any more comfortable than that.

So I have no good explanation why amidst all that, I suddenly wished you were there, leaning over to tell me it was time for us to go home. When I got back I went on FB to look at your pictures. I stared at it, trying to understand exactly why I was doing what I was doing. I can never figure out what it was about you.

2010-10-23T03:31:00.003-06:00

So... I didn't get the job. I was sort of waiting by the phone till 6pm when I decided to go to the gym. As I was showering the phone beeped, signaling a missed call. Between drying my hair and reaching for the phone, I wasn't sure if I really cared it turned out one way or the other. As I was listening to the message I thought it was funny that the guy sounded solemnly serious... like he was telling me my puppy just died. I guess I did him a favour for not picking it up.

Anyway, the first thing I did was to text everyone about the outcome. They all texted me right after the interview to check if it went well. It was cute. I know as supportive as they are, they don't think about it 24/7 so there is really no rush. But somehow my brain decided they should be informed ASAP so no one would be holding out hope for me still. The sms didn't get to one of them before I saw him in the office post gym, so I told him. After I assured him I wasn't heart broken over it, I thought he said something really cute, "It's good you are not sad about it... coz it actually makes me happy... What am I gonna do if you are not here?" "Aww..." "No, I know you gotta move on... but now at least not immediately."

I know it is likely spoken to console my disappointment in being rejected, or perhaps he would feel left behind if I did get the job. Regardless I decided I will allow myself to indulge in whatever I want to believe today... like there will be other interviews. Like whether you fall, means nothing at all - it's whether you get up.

2010-10-20T17:02:00.005-06:00

I'm so sleepy I don't even care if the interview went well. My first personal interview, 3 hours 2 panels 3 ppl/panel. Dinner the night before. Lunch after interview.

Last time I went through this kind of grilling was.... well, never. Candidacy was much more traumatizing, but less time consuming. Defence was similar, but I didn't have to socialize with anyone... Perhaps an odd twist, but I am less eager about the position after the interview than before. Everyone I met was nice and friendly, but it made me realize it will be hard to find the ppl like the colleagues that I have right now. I enjoy being with those jokesters way too much, they are genuinely ridiculous in a offensive way. It's like watching a stand up comedy everyday. What else can you ask for... plus we ski, bike, gym and have lunch together. And with one of them we actually sms each other at airports when waiting for boarding, when watching the same tv show... sure it's partly becoz we are all single too. The problem is that eventually ppl will move on, to another location or graduate or get married and I can't stay there forever. Sometime I wish all good things don't have to come to an end. Perhaps if I don't get this job I can hang around till after ski season.

2010-10-15T01:55:00.002-06:00

We went out for drinks tonight because the boys were determined to get wasted. One guy particularly since he passed his candidacy today. We met up after work and his gf joined us. The first thing she said when she saw us was that she had a dream about us last night. "I dreamt that you and him were kissing! On a hill."

I was part worried and part curious when I heard that. Worried because there might be something more to it that I have to be careful about... curious because, seriously, why on earth would she dream about that? It would have been rather awkward if she didn't seem so amused by it as I was.... and also because realistically speaking, I know I am as safe as it gets when it comes to a guy's female friend. Everyone knows.

2010-10-07T03:28:00.003-06:00

Did anyone piss you off? Are you having a bad day? In a foul mood? This should at least make you chuckle a little. Or in my case, absolutely cracks me up.

So random.

2010-10-01T13:29:00.002-06:00

I... need to relax. What a ridiculous mental state to be stuck in right now, worrying about something I have no control over. Not at this point. I would pace around all day like an anxious cat in the cage if it didn't make the ppl around me nervous too.

I can give mc a shout. One day she would be busy running after her kids it'd make more sense to worry about them playing with sharp objects. Sometimes I wish I am capable of verbal communicating the things that make me sigh. That is under the assumption that you actually want to know.

What if failing is not an option and you failed anyways?

You face up to it, keep your head high and try to make it further next time. Reality competition tv shows can be genuinely inspiring sometimes. Whether you fall, means nothing at all, it's whether you get up. Tracy Bonham said so. I do hate the fact that I am not waterproof, but I am trying to accept things that I cannot change.

2010-09-27T00:23:00.004-06:00

Cute. Though it was cuter when I thought it was a cover of an old song... back in the times when radio was big.

2010-09-24T04:29:00.002-06:00

You know what is the best way to wake up in the morning? A phone call asking you to go on an interview.

The Murphy's law way of waking up in the morning? Waking up from that dream.

I need something to numb that ache in my heart. Someone bring me some rice.

2010-09-19T23:47:00.003-06:00

Things I love about this city:

1. Bike rides in summer.
2. Summer events including Street Performance Festival and Fringe.
3. Summer in general...
3. River valley trails.
4. How ppl greet and smile at you when you are hiking/biking/walking at river valley
5. Everyone's intense love/hate relationship with the (daily) weather. It is us vs. it.
6. Virtually traffic jam proof. (Sure, there are more trees and ppl here, but don't tell me you guys out there don't dream about this.)

The rests are not strictly about this city, but somewhat related:

1. THE LAB.
2. Skiing in the mountains.

2010-09-12T13:22:00.004-06:00

Woohoo. Woke up in the morning on a Sunday today. That's right, cheer for me, I don't feel very accomplished these days. But today was fun, despite the fact that I woke up grumpily, because I only slept for 3 hours... I was up so I can bike with my lab mate to this park for our walk for ovarian cancer. Three of us started a lab team last week when someone saw a flyer posted on the bulletin board. Since our boss's wife has been battling with ovarian cancer, we decided it would be nice. We didn't know our boss has his own team until 2 days ago. We raised 1K, which was only about 1/2 of what the boss raised by himself, but we are still pretty happy considering we have poor friends and only one week.

It was at an off leash dog park and the weather was nice, so lots of happy dogs and kids running around. We met up with my boss's team and we all walked together. As I was chatting with him, I found out that things are worse than I thought. Maybe another year, he said, we are doing this for women in the future.

I thought about my aunt. She died of ovarian cancer shortly after I started grad school, exactly 5 years ago today. The cascade of unpleasant events that happened afterward often prevented me from thinking about her... but I remember how I came home from the movies with missed calls from my parents and a text from my cousin later, sometime passed midnight. I don't think she ever had the amount of support my boss's wife have - all the wrong focus when she was sick. I didn't do much for her back then. In some way I feel a little bit better today. If we all try hard enough, perhaps one day we will get there.

2010-08-31T00:31:00.006-06:00

I was at the grocery store, harmlessly paying for my food. The cashier decided to tell me she was a chef in Toronto for 10 years. She continued to describe the tools her husband buy for her/the kitchen these days. As I nodded along, she asked, "How about you? Does your guy have tools?" Various answers came across my mind, (and I did smirked), but I decided to keep in short and just say, "No, not really." When I got home I realized she scanned the onion twice and I paid 40 cents more for her entertainment.

I was in the lab, greeting a spinal cord patient I have never worked with, but came to know him over the years anyway. He said hi, and promptly proceed to ask, "So why are you not married yet?" I laughed and complimented the quality of the question. As I walked away I hear myself mumbling, "Do I look like I'm way pass my due date or what?"

What did mom say? Don't talk to strangers.

Life's random depressing moments continued, of course. I had my first serious interview today, over the phone. As we talked, it became apparent that they were really, wanting to hire a programmer. They were very interested in my programming experience. First serious interview and it's all about programming. I'm doing all these good stuff with making paralyzed muscles move, but no, they are only interested in my part time work as a programmer. What is so great about programming? Why is that the only thing ppl would consider hiring me for? I am not even that good at it. Do I really look like a programmer? Yes, my friend's dad already told me I look like one, a long time ago. Now on top of that I look one who needs a man, with tools.

I have nothing against programming or men. But the world have misunderstood me. I want my own tools.

2010-08-27T04:25:00.004-06:00

I... am cranky today, in a slightly depressing way. With a hint of bitter. Everything seemed ridiculous (don't get me started with that video in fb ppl have been posting about why men cheat. Seriously. That thing is a joke.) The spirit is not high. I sense some mood swing patterns. Well, they say it is especially bad when you are not happy. In my defense.. It's really hard to be upbeat when you spend 8 months looking for something and still can't find it. My tears don't show. They flow.

Time for something happier. Adorable, no?

Check out the behind the scenes.

2010-08-15T17:14:00.003-06:00

I was at the mall the other day when I walked by the bookstore. Regardless of how often I read, bookstores always have a mysterious pull on me. Something about around shelves of brand new books that really made me feel in-place, quietly curious and perfectly self-content. Perhaps it was no surprise one of my childhood dreams was to open up a bookstore. As much as I like checking out liqour store these days, I have no thoughts of owning one. So I guess it is safe to say that is true passion.

It would be nice to work in downtown, I thought. Stop by the bookstore for an hour or so after work before heading home. I have the mental image of me as a normal working class, not unlike the rest of the ppl walking in the mall heading towards LRT station. Pure solitary.

I think that looks pretty lonely. Are you projecting?

I don't know. Maybe. I know for sure I am alone, but I like being alone. I like ppl, from time to time, depending on who they are and how isolated I have been, but mostly I like being with myself. I am not sure if it is possible that I like being alone so much I don't know lonely feels like. Or maybe this is it, I have just gotten so used to it that it felt like a necessity at this point. Perhaps I have finally transformed from a nerdy weirdo to an anti-social creepy weirdo. Those that you find polite, but you wonder that they do when it is dark outside - listen to classical music or preserve human remains?

I have always wonder why single adults eventually become weirdos, now I know. Because chances are, when you are single, you hang out with other single ppl, who all have no need to comprise their weird behaviour for anyone else. In fact your friends probably find those weird qualities adorable... because they don't live with it. It perpetuates. Eventually... before you know it, you are already one of those weird ppl you can't comprehend when you were younger.

2010-08-09T22:04:00.004-06:00

Have I said this? I know I had, but I'll say it again anyway. In fact, I'll say it every time I feel it, because these are things worth remembering.

For those of you who picked up the phone (we all have caller ID these days) and made me felt comfortable just saying hi and casually chat about nothing important. As if I am actually that interesting that you didn't mind wasting 30 minutes of your life. Regardless if you were aware that it was a disguise for whatever that was going on in my head. It didn't matter that perhaps you too, needed to talk about nothing important.

Thank you. For being there despite the lack of satisfaction often associated with being there for someone. It wasn't my intention to rob you of it, I just never felt right asking for that kind of attention and for sharing unhappiness. (I haven't done enough to earn it.) Perhaps secretly, I just wasn't brave enough to test the waters - this way I can pretend that I just didn't asked, but if I did, if I said it was necessary to be unpleasant, you still wouldn't mind that 30 minutes. Whatever the reason, at this moment, I am grateful for our small talks. The rest... I'll let this site take care of it.

(Basically, this is an elaborate way of saying thank you for being my friend. It felt too simple just saying it straight out like that, so I added a few more words so show sincerity, and to demonstrate that I am emotionally invested in making that statement. Don't worry, I am not drunk.)

2010-08-07T03:12:00.003-06:00

In light of the report I saw on news the other day that Canadians apparently swear more than Americans and the Brits...

F-king helicopter. I know whatever it is you are flying is important, considering it's for the hospital and all, but 5 times one night is making me a little crazy. They should really cut my rent, or at least hand out those ear muffs they use at airports. Or, give us coupons for hearing aids or future hospital visits. Get rid of the mice. Something. Anything.

2010-08-04T16:16:00.003-06:00

Hah. Yes, I was drunk during my last post. It made no sense, I know, but at least I spelled every word right... it seemed. :D

Finally back from Vancouver. On top of the 14 hour drive each way (I didn't drive, thank goodness), I was on the bike 2 out of the 4-day vacation. Quite sore is the ass. On our way there we spent the night at the designated resting area long the highway, right in the mountains. Slept in the back of the van, with sleeping bags and all... nothing like nature to make you appreciate indoor plumbing and automatic toilets... or just running water, in general. My whole chin tasted like toothpaste after I brushed my teeth because I didn't want to use up too much of our drinking water. Had to wash up quite a bit in the washroom before meeting this professor upon arrival. My shirt was still wet when I saw him, I think. And I wonder why no one wants to hire me.

Went to the nude beach on the evening of arrival, after dinner. The beach is right by the univeristy of british columbia. Nudity is optional, so you don't have to bare it all if you don't want to. There were a lot of happy ppl there, more clothed ppl than not, it was interesting.

Biking along the shoreline was fun. We biked passed a few beaches... not the white sandy beaches and clear blue water kinda beaches, considering the port is just on the opposite shore, but nice spots for ppl watching. Pride was good, definitely very festive.. it was quite a big event, felt like any other parade, except crazier and with more naked ppl.

Went to watch Inception and did more biking for the rest of the trip. All in all a good trip, though I was definitely ready to go home by the last day.

2010-08-01T04:37:00.002-06:00

I am typing with one hand because I just touched a cat with my other. I'm starting to develop an allergy towards cats so I have to take precautions.

Right, I'm in vancouver, crashing at my previous roommate's apartment... hence I had the opportunity to meet his new roommates. One of them is a bartender... she's quiting today so we were all invited to her last day at work. I've had too many free drinks... almost as good as my 5-hour bike ride today. One thing I've learned today, it is hard to ask for water when you get free alcohol.

Pride tomorrow. Yay naked ppl. Please be hot. Just because I don't drool doesn't mean I don't care.

2010-07-28T23:06:00.003-06:00

Watched 2 movies this week:
1) Sunshine cleaning, and
2) He's just not that into you.

My cable has 4 movies "on-demand" for free till the end of this week. It started 2 weeks ago but I only receive the notice 2 days ago, so I do what I can. 2) was better than I expected, I didn't know it has such a big cast, I was mainly watching it for Jennifer Connelly (I hate it when ppl lie to my face too, Beth). Basically I think the moral of the story is: ignore anything that remotely feels like a good sign, it's probably just in your head. Bad signs, take them very seriously, don't try to water them down. That way you will always be prepared for dissapointment.. and also always depressed.

Definitely like 1) better tho. I didn't remember I wanted to watch 1) until I saw the title. I don't really like it when movies make me all teary eyed, especially when it was obvious the plot line was specifically designed to do so. It does seem like the older I get, the more often that happens.

Road trip to vancouver tomorrow. Not sure what to expect other than a weekend away. Was hoping I was able to stay at the hostel but it's all booked, so I'm staying with a friend. There is a point when you would rather sleep at a hostel, even if that means you have to sleep next to the washroom, than in a comfy bed at a friend's place. No, it's not pride, it's just easier to move around. Lonesome-ness can be addictive.

Gotta pack. Have a good weekend, you guys. Enjoy. ;)

2010-07-22T02:06:00.008-06:00

You know what is awesome? This.

Yes, I'm in retro mood, but you have to admit it is cute. I can't imagine any 80s baby not smiling to that. It's hilarious, plus they looked like they were having so so much fun. It reminded me of Kylie, in her bubble gum pop days. Locomotion and I should be so lucky. There's no harm revisiting it with modern day Kylie, becoz she looks great... there's gotta be some props in getting older.

You know that song screams PAR-TAY. (There's a slow version on youtube as well, for those who are more subtle in expressing their luckiness now that they are 20 years older.) I'm pretty sure KFC had it in their commercial back when going to the zoo was suppse to stimulate fried chicken consumption. If I ever get hired to host a wedding I'll have all the 80s MTV playing on the huge screen tv. And early 90s. Bridesmaids can be the Bananaaramas, the guys can dance around them. Ppl who are less talented in dancing when sober can just follow Rick Astley. The more talented ones or less sober happy ppl can follow the bartender.

Just need to find a bartender like that. It will be awesome. Hire me, you won't regret it. Your parents might, your guests won't.

2010-07-12T23:06:00.004-06:00

I laughed and told you it was ok, I won't take it personally. I believe it when you said it wasn't because he didn't like me, he just wanted to spend more time with you, alone. You rolled you eyes and said it wasn't as if you both were in a relationship. I smiled. I think I might know how he feels. I remember being at his age and acting weirdly possesive at something that I didn't really have. Looking back I see the irony in it, the more I deny it, the more I was worried I was right, the more I needed to find ways to reassure myself that wasn't the case.. so I can go back to denying it. Convoluted, I know, definitely wasn't doing myself any favour. Unfortunately at the time it wasn't clear to me what the hell was going on in my head.

No worries, you go take care of him. I said. You left somewhat apologetically, but not quite. Suddenly I was missing someone all over again, and perhaps, a little bit envious of him.

2010-07-06T15:29:00.002-06:00

It’s all about perspective. American population wise, about a quarter million has spinal cord injuries. That’s about 0.08% of the population, approximately 1 in 1000. Meaning, most of us don’t usually see paralyzed individuals in our daily lives. Once in a while on the street or in the news, or so unfortunately someone you know personally suffered it. Of course other than it’s a small population, it is also much harder for them to get out. It is much harder to do anything when you can’t move.

So in that respect, my perspective is completely skewed, which explained why I have developed this paranoia of… not remembering to enjoy everything that I have now. It is a fear that you can lose them any moment. There are only about 10 ppl I know on the floor, but I have seen about equal amount of ppl in wheel chairs, paralyzed chest down. Reality, on the most part is what we see and experience daily. Considering lab IS my life, in my head, it is a 50/50 chance. One of my nightmares when I used to study late in high school was waking up on the couch that I fell asleep on and can’t move a single limb. For the briefest few moments before I woke up, it was terrifying. The strength anyone needs to live that way in reality… blows my mind. Most of us can’t imagine living that life… and perhaps knowing what to expect made it more fearful. Miracles don't usually happen. The most motivated however, can make the best out of the worst. It might sound depressing, but weirdly enough witnessing it gives you this sense of optimism. They make the best out of it, whichever way they can, in what most of us consider a nightmare. Makes you want to make it that tad bit easier for them, because really, you have so much more. And of course selfishly, the satisfaction comes from them getting excited about the littlest things (I can move my fingers!) because it makes us felt like we made a difference.

Hence in short, yes, most researchers don’t live in the real world… our reality is an alternate universe to the majority. To be really into it, you have to believe you can achieve something no one else has ever done. That’s the job, to be dreamers. Some live with petri dishes and some with computer models, but we all think our research matters, because we were led to believe so – why else would you do it for peanuts. In the grand scheme of things it might or might not be true.

2010-07-04T00:04:00.015-06:00

I was mourning over the papaya which I cut open prematurely when this question pop up in my head. They say when you are sad you think about other sad things. That sounds like a terrible idea from evolution point of view, but who am I to argue with psychology. I wonder if this is a valid question one self-respecting (even if no one else does, I will always love you, me) female should ask oneself in this day and age. I wondered (and I did this with my head tilted one side, eyes squinted): which one is more worrying, me not having a job or not having a husband?

You didn't see that coming, did you? Neither did I, made me realized how dissapointed I was with the papaya. I looked forward to eating it since I purchased it one week ago. I look at it every day. If you live anywhere with mean annual temperature more than 15C, or have a real job, you won't understand. Anyway, back to the question, it was more like I wondered which my mum is more worried about me, really. I... obviously only cared about the papaya that tasted like potato at the time... and job, if I had more money I can buy lots of them, cut them at different time points and make a chart with my awesome research skills. Once it is published.. or after I posted it in the supermarket, no one will ever have to go through this pain again. Research always matter. I know that is true because I have a pin batch that says "Research Matters". They should have added a unicorn on it.

I too, will be worry if I had a daughter like me. Happy belated mother's day, mama.

2010-07-01T23:00:00.006-06:00

I haven't told you about the last day Hollywood. The nice thing about travelling by yourself is you can do whatever you want, or not do anything. I had absolutely no plan going into the last day my trip. Regardless, like a most hosteller, I woke up around 8ish. At most hostels by this time I'm the last one to get up, and it is only out of guilt/shame of looking like a lazy traveller. This time I was the first to be up. Either the girls in my room were my kind of person, or Hollywood is my kind of place. I soon found out latter was true. Anyway, I walked out of the hostel in search of breakfast and realized I was staying across from the LGBT centre. I thought I'll walk in and see if I can get D a souvenior... it is a very serious place with no freebies or gift shop. My bad.

I was on the street about 9.. none of the shops were open. And it was quiet... as if it was a normal street instead of Hollywood Blv. I had to walk all the way to the mall to find more ppl, then had crepe for breakfast while ppl watching. During breakfast I figured I will either hike up the Hollywood sign or go to Santa Monica beach. The power of sand/sea breeze proved to be too strong so I took the city bus tour all the way to Santa Monica, detouring through numerous tourist spots that I don't quite remember, except for one strip club that was featured in Stripetease and the guitar museum. Oh, and Beverly Hills, and lots of traffic jam. It was very hot.

First thing I realized at Santa Monica was that bike renting was cheaper than Huntington - my heart did a little happy dance. Second thing is that they have bikes with gears. :D I biked to Venice Beach, which was about 20 minutes away. It was said to be the laid back cousin of Santa Monica, with little shops along the side of the beach, almost like a little market place. Lots of ppl, as usual. After I finished my one hour bike session I chilled on SM and was dissapointed by the lack of Baywatch-like lifeguards running around on the beach. By the time I was back on the bus it was almost evening. The bus ran through a couple more important places... which sounded it would be very interesting for someone who was into American movie history. Location of Marilyn Manroe's and Shirley Temple's apartment - before that day I only heard of the latter as a drink. Fox studio, some important shopping malls, popular celebrity bar and paramount studio later I was back... tanned like a cambodian.

Night time on Hollywood was like a night market. Everyone is out, not just the party ppl and tourists, you see grandma with babies, families just walking out to get some air. It was interesting. Long lineups outside of fancy looking clubs. Crowds surrounding the ABC newsperson reporting exactly one year since Michael Jackson's death and his star. Some mexican/asian looking ppl selling LED gloves trying to make a few bucks. Cars pilling up.. ppl, dressed up, ready to party at Sunset Blv and these are ppl who looked like they could go on TV any second. It was festive yet... cold. Perhaps festive wasn't exactly appropriate, it was busy, but it was all business. You can tell everyone is there to either make money or spend money. It was odd because I don't remember feeling that way when I was at Time Square, which was even more crowded, brighter and noisier. I somehow remember it to be more down to earth than LA. Maybe I was less of a weirdo or have not completely loss my city blood back then.

I walked by a Human Right's Centre and decided to visit their museum about mental health. I believe their statement was that drugs subscribed by psychologists for mental illness is a money making scheme for pharmaceutical companies. Regardless of their message, it was interesting to check out the history of mental illness treatments. Then I had PadThai and Singha for dinner. :D

Back to the room at 11.30pm. Most girls were already in bed - they are the sleepiest backpakers in my hostelling experience so far, but it is possible they did something significantly more fun than just bus touring/walking around under the sun. Out of courtesy I slept with sand in my hair. I can get used to that.

Next morning I woke up, showered, drank free coffee and headed to the airport. As I was sitting on my luggage at the subway station, tired from dragging the stupid one wheel box, I decided to clear my pocket. Of course I had to read the hostel pamlet before throwing it away - at the corner it said, "Need a ride to the airport? Book a shared van at the reception for 15 bucks!" Ok, the guy who gave me the directions to LAX didn't tell me that. I should have know not to count on an adult with a name like Snoopy. Good thing I still arrived at LAX on time despite traffic, and it only cost me $8.25. Almost made up for the cost of my sunscreen which I "surrendered" at custom because I forgot I had it in my backpack.

Uff. That was my Hollywood experience.

2010-06-29T23:37:00.005-06:00

Right, 3 days of conference. What did I do... sat in on talks, put up posters, hunt down anyone I know who might have a company, ate good lunch and dinner, participated in boring conversations and pretending whatever everyone was laughing at was funny, wonder off to chat with drunk grad students when I needed a break... I think that about summed it up. At least my newly purchased dress shoes were really comfy.

The day after I packed up the formal clothing and moved to Hollywood. 2 hour subway ride later I arrived right on the Hollywood Blv, stepping on stars with famous names in it. Still 5 blocks away from my hostel but one wheel on the luggage had already fallen out. That was when I realized one wheel rolls too, it just makes a weird screeching sound when the other side scraped the pavement. Since I was the last one to checked into the room, I was assigned the bed right next to the washroom, bottom bunk. As I was contemplating if I should place the pillow away from the washroom door but close to the "ladder" to the bunk bed, hence potentially having someone's feet in my face as I wake up.. my elementary school friend called and picked me up in a BMW. I don't think I've even been in one. The issue of wheter toilet might smell better than feet didn't matter as much anymore. We walked around the main hollywood blv populated with big names and tourists, traffic jammed our way to Rodeo drive where all the famous stores were located: Cartier, Tiffany, Bijan, CK.. any brand names you can think of that have absolutely no relavance to someone who sleeps next to the washroom with 5 other ppl on vacation. I felt bad that my friend was being a tremendous host while I showed no sense of excitement... so I suggested we walk into Niketown, because I know what they sell. It was packed as Gaso from Lakers was scheduled to appear. They cranked the music up so loud I had to leave.. made the mistake of walking into an art gallery where a guy attempted to sell me a 3K painting about the size of a post card. I was flattered. He assured me it was a fantastic deal because you can no longer get Dali pencil signatures anymore. Perfect timing again, Gaso came and went, my friend called to get me on the road for Korean BBQ. I assured the guy I will be back the next day and took off.

Valet parking at the Korean BBQ restaurant. I thought it was funny, but apparently that is the norm in LA. Anywho, two other high school pals arrived and we chatted up a storm. Nothing important, all silly discussions and it was awesome. Listening to malaysia mandarin makes me happy. We discussed how guava has a ridiculous unofficial name in malaysian cantonese and spent the longest time trying to figure out what it is in hokkien. It was hilarious and I had tears in my eyes. All good things come to and end, of course. After dessert we parted ways, but hell, it was a good night. Even the sounds of toilet flushing numerous times during my sleep and the slight hint of whatever it was didn't ruin my mood for the next day.

2010-06-27T14:35:00.003-06:00

Back from California. I don't know if there's a better place that screams summer like Cali. Well, I'm sure there is, but for the sake of my own satisfaction let's assume there isn't... I have a ridiculous farmer's tan right now and I need a good reason. Ridiculous as in this farmer not only have distinct tan lines that explained clothing, but also tan patches that explained watch wearing (one that migrated along the wrist on different days) and the lack of sunscreen around it.

There were so many good things about this trip. First day was OC. The driver from LAX to Huntington was funny and chatty. Upon arriving to Huntington I had my first experience at living in a motel. Despite comforting reviews, I never like the idea of motels, somehow they felt sketchy. Anyway, this one looks decent, but smells sketchy. Ran by a Korean lady who was very worried about me using the phone for long distance calling. I spent the first afternoon at Huntington Beach. I forgot how much I miss the beach. It's a happy place, children playing, running and screaming in joy. Adults flying kites or just relaxing. Waves. Clear blue sky. Sea breeze. Bikinis, board shorts, wet suits, surf boards and bikes. (Yes, hot bods everywhere.) Shops by the pier. People every where. Reminds me of our beach vacations when I was a child.

Return to the motel in the evening to meet up with the newly wedded KH for dinner. It's been 10 years since we last saw each other. Met his wife and found out we actually went to the same elementary school. It quickly became an effort to find out if we actually knew each other back then. No conclusions, but it was fun to share stories of haunted washrooms and other things that I didn't know I remember. I had a great time.

The next day I walked by the market and bought some plums+mangoes. Took the bus to the beach again and rented a bike. Learned how to ride these beach cruiser bikes that has reverse pedaling as brakes - I found out when I hit the curb, but no one has to know that. High handles too, like a Harley but not motorized and with basket in front. Went from Huntington to Newport Beach and back. I'm starting to believe that biking might be the love of my life. Then the boys picked me up in a convertible Mustang at the motel to head down to Long Beach for our conference. It was an interesting sight, and quite a contrast. They arrived a day before me and was surfing/partying/living it the California way in Newport. Riding down the road with clubs along the way and wind in our hair, I felt bad they picked up a homeless person in their backseat. Anywho, upon arriving at the hotel this homeless person quickly transformed into a hipster by association. Both our rooms were on the top floor of the hotel, supposedly because someone's dad is a platinum member of whatever it was. We celebrated with drinks, got hungry and went out for happy hour. Ate a whole bunch of appetizers and had more drinks. Walked by a cinema and had the brilliant idea of watching a movie called Splice. Terrible Scifi movie, even when drunk.

Conference for the next 3 days. Not that it's all that fun but it'll be too long to continue. I'll come back to that later.

2010-06-16T22:34:00.002-06:00

What. Can. I. Say.

So much built up to this moment. I mean, I've been chasing after this person for.. a month? At least. I used up my boss's connections, even get him to call them when they didn't respond, just for an email address. A contact. COO to this company I've been eying for a while. I missed out on the first round when they didn't publicly advertise their positions, found out too late through a recruiter. Finally get to email the head of the company last week... Nothing. This week, nothing. Checked the COO's LinkedIn profile this morning, what did it say? Previous position: COO of NST,Inc.(2009 - June 2010).

Seriously? Like June 2010??? It has to be this month??? Why don't I see myself winning the lottery? If I weren't at the coffee place, I wouldn't just be scratching my head and laughing. Really, with the same amount of time and effort, I could have probably chased down 5 boyfriends... or built a house.

Damn it, next time I will be invincible. Or maybe next life.

2010-06-13T23:59:00.007-06:00

Two consecutive sunny weekends so far. Sure enough I found a way to get hurt in both weekends. Last week I fell off the bike uphill, thinking momentum would bring me over the bump, well, it was too steep for momentum and too fast for me to change gears. Next thing I know I was sliding backwards. It wasn't a bad fall, no bruises, but I did get bumped off the seat - I won't go into the details of where exactly took most of the force. (Biking is a weird sport that way). The next day there was a strange discomfort in my.. lower abdominal area, like I was about to have a diarrhea... but not really. Took me a while to figure out it must be from the fall - something was cramped up, just not sure what. By thursday I decided I should go to the gym since sitting around made me felt like I was having cramps. Felt better, I went again next day and it felt even better.

That brings us to Saturday. Awesome 20+ weather. Pride parade. I biked downtown, took pictures of the float, D's outfit and met up with ppl from the floor. Went to look for a pairs of runners but can't find any. Either no one, or everyone in Edmonton has size 6 feet. By the time I was done it was BBQ time. Two beers and some hamburgers later, I sprained my left ankle on my first freebie jump. Spent the rest of the evening playing with my friend's dogs, it was either that or I joined in on a conversation about relationships with the other two girls. Evidently I am more fit to hang out with dogs in that respect. My ankle felt worse over the night, and by the time I had to go to the washroom in the middle of the night, load bearing was impossible - I was hopping to the washroom. On the way back, I groggily hopped to the kitchen and put two ice cubes in a plastic bag. Then I hopped back, placed the bag on top of my blanket around my ankle. I remember having 3 thoughts before I fell back to sleep: 1) hopping half-awake is a really bad idea, 2) this bag better not leak and 3) thank goodness I live in a small bachelor.

Sunday. Sunny, I woke up with the plastic bag on the floor, guess I had the sense to take it off when I was unconscious. Carpet dry. Awesome. I had cereal and limped my way to the coffee place. When I was done I decided it was too nice of a day to stay indoor, also, the more I sit the worse it felt. So I tried to get on my bike. It was an 'AHA!' moment when I realized it didn't hurt during pedaling - as long as I don't stop/fall in a situation that requires my left foot to hold my weight, I would be fine. I ended up being out for 1.5 hour, and even discover a new trail because I was going slow. Then groceries shopping. Suddenly completing every task feels more satisfying than usual. It was an interesting feeling. A few ppl were looking at me when I was limping at the grocery store, likely out of concern, but it reminded me of what a patient told me last week - she didn't want to go out in public for months after her stroke because ppl would stare at her. She is in her early 40s. I don't know, maybe it is some sort of phobia, the more you are aware of how bad it could be, the more you are afraid of being one. So this might sound like a cliche, but make time for whatever it is that makes you happy, whenever you can... and try to enjoy every moment of it. There will be a day when we can't do it anymore, and it might arrive sooner than we expect.

2010-06-07T00:21:00.002-06:00

Sigh.

Let's just say the last 2 weeks sucked, alright? Maybe it's more than 2 weeks, maybe I've been feeling lousy for months. I don't know. I no longer understand what is bothering me. I can count every event that didn't make life awesome for me for the past while... but that's not it. I am not even venting, just genuinely confused about my inability to shake away this state of mind.

Maybe I should pick up the bottle again. Kidding.. I'm not an alcoholic. Seriously though, this drag has gotta stop.