My tap is dripping. My Ikea clock is too loud. It almost sounded like the two of them are having a private party of their own and I was not invited. I could go into my room and ignore them, but instead I am sitting here thinking about you.

I don't miss you, not really, not what you are now, at least. I miss how you used to be when I didn't know what I was feeling. When I didn't know why I had to see you all the time. Or why we would exchange smiles through the rear view mirror when no one else was watching. I get along with most of my friends, I get playful, I didn't think it was any different with you. Now I know the difference being I don't sit around thinking about my other friends.

The worst wasn't that I felt so much for you for so long, nor that I never told you. The worst was that I felt so much for you but never knew what it was until you became someone I can no longer adore. I had to be out of it to realize that I was in it in the first place. I remember being startled at the realization. It was almost like waking up in the middle of a very good dream, the moment you appreciate it was the moment it was over.

I was indifferent in seeing you again tonight. There was nothing really to be excited about, it's been long enough that everything about you felt unfamiliar except for your name. But for the split of a second, while sitting at the table with everyone else, when you turned around and smiled at me, I was nostalgic. We used to do that too, when we were seated apart and couldn't talk to each other. Looking back it was blatantly obvious, and the thought made me chuckle - could I have been really so clueless? You looked at me curiously before turning away. Perhaps back in that time frame it would have been something, it was quite cute after all. But I am perfectly alright with it all just being a thought now.